Irish
This one is for you cuz I need to try and purge you out of my head although I suspect it won't be that easy. So damn you. Damn you for coming into my life the way you did. Damn life, karma, fate whatever it is for throwing you in my path. Damn whatever the fuck you want to call it that made me want this encounter so bad I literally dreamed it before it happened. I have fantasized about it for years. (Although the dock was never a location that came up as an option, but the reality of it was a nice surprise)
It's been a week now and as I write this I am back at my summer place, where we met. Where it happened. Where everywhere I look I am reminded of what we did. Of you. Its bittersweet.
I haven't been back since then (I know it's only been a week lol) but, I had to get away somewhere by myself. This week has been hard for me. I wonder how its been for you? I have so many questions I want to ask you!! I ask alot of questions, if you didn't realize this about me, but I think you did ;)
I am curious to know how it was for you going back?
Back to your “normal” life?
Back to your routine, your familiar space and people.
Your girlfriend?
Is it hard for you? Do you have to pretend to be the same person you were before we met?
Do you regret it yet?
Or maybe you don't think of it at all, and I was just another conquest. Maybe you lied to me and you were pretending with me? (I really hope this is not what is happening because... how soul crushing and demoralizing that would be)
I am trying not to be cynical about it or let that self doubt creep in, although it has. This whole experience has come knocking on my door like I was one of the 3 little pigs and it has blown my house down. The walls I had built up around myself are in disarray and crumbled all around me. I look around trying to figure out where do I even start to put it back together.
Do I want it to be the way it was before?
Rebuild it but a little bit different?
Or start over?
I just don't know the answer to this yet. Although I know it can't go back to what it ever was before.
I have to believe though that what you said was true and how you felt was real. Otherwise, why put myself through this if to you it meant nothing. If I was just an easy target. Again, here I go with my negativity. I have to work on this, and you know, this experience has made me realize that.
I have realized a few things actually about myself and my life as I know it. More on this later (I feel like my “more on this later list” is getting bigger and bigger – I have a lot of baggage, fuck).
I have truly believed, since my early 20's, that people come into your life for a reason, ever since I read The Celestine Prophecy (dealing with some issues then as well, that's life though, you have to deal and grow). Funny enough – well maybe funny to me and not you – the guy who told me to read it is someone I worked with whom I also happen to have had some encounters and experiences with if you get my drift. This guy I will never forget either. Seems to me there a few males in my life who haven't left me. I feel this is another area I might need to dive into ... later. ;)
Back to my belief that you have experiences and relationships with people for a reason. I do remember this was one topic we talked about. Well, I recall bringing it up but I don't remember what you said – I feel like I don't know what you said the entire time because I keep going back and forth thinking he didn't really say that, he couldn't have, why would he. This isn't real. I try to convince myself it's not real, to suppress it. I don't want to deal with the emotions and the feelings, the guilt and shame of destroying more than just my life. Do you feel this way too?
Do you ever wonder if we will meet again? Would you like to see me again?
I want to see you again. I run through scenarios and how I would react with each one (I told you I was an analyzer/overthinker.)
I want to see you again for many reasons. I want to know if the connection and what we felt, did it sustain the time that has lapsed since I walked out of your life that night. Does meeting after tasting that forbidden fruit, still taste and feel like the forbidden (guess it depends on the circumstances cuz if we were both uncommitted, no worries then )
I think about what we didn't do and what I so badly want to do to you still. With you. But is it you I want or the fantasy?
Maybe one day Irish we will meet again. I know you had mentioned it. Maybe in 5 years. Maybe never. It's out of my hands. I leave it to the forces that be, whatever they are to me, to decide.