So What's next?
I can honestly tell you at this point that I don't know the answer. So if your expecting an answer, you will be disappointed when you read this – maybe – I leave that up to you to decide. Here is what I do know.
I definitely was not deep down happy and satisfied with my relationship with my husband. I have known this for a long time actually, but have always suppressed it and convinced myself I was. I mean, he's really a great person. A wonderful father, very supportive, smart, great provider. I can't complain really. But I have known for awhile that my feelings for him are just not the same anymore. I never gave myself fully to him ever, if that makes sense. I always had to keep a part of myself hidden from him. He has these expectations of his partner that I indulge for him because its easier. For example, If I wanted to go to a beach and lie in the sun with my top off, he would not “let” me because no one else but him should see that part of me. Its this part of a monogamous relationship that I don't like. The impositions and expectations that your partner has of you. The possession. I have realized I don't want to be possessed by anyone but myself. I only want to answer to myself and if your in my life, well you will either love this about me or hate it. Maybe you tolerate it because you love me enough that it's me being me and you understand that. This is what I want
So why do I stay? The children mostly and because I am so damn scared of hurting everyone. If I tell him I don't want this life with him anymore, I am breaking so many hearts. Him, my children ( My parents are divorced but I was young, but I do remember my dad crying and hurting). His parents, my parents, so many people I would hurt to be selfish for myself. So I constantly argue with myself – Do I hurt the many or just myself? I mean I have been choosing everyone else over me my whole life practically. That's been my go to response. Take the hurt on yourself, no confrontation, be what they expect and it's easier this way. I convince myself that my life really isn't that bad and suppress that part of myself again and again.
So, at this moment, I don't know what I want to do. Stay? or be selfish and do what I really, really want. But do I even know what I really really want? I do know, I don't want my life to be the way it was before Irish. I truly believe that is why the encounter happened. To shake me out of my false truth of what I had built of my life prior to Irish. To open my eyes to the fact that the house I have built is not solid, but made of straw and is not as secure and strong as I had led myself to believe.
I do know, I need to work on myself. Do more for myself. Learn to love myself. Discover who I am and what I want to make me happy. Do I have the courage to go down this road of discovery and accept that I may and will hurt people along the way? I don't know. One day at a time right now. Plus, I am waiting to talk to my therapist before I make any huge decisions ;)