Why am I doing this? writing here, anonymously? There are a few reasons, 2 big ones. I need an outlet for what is going on in my head and I can't write it down on paper for fear of it being found and read. If certain people in my life were to read my true thoughts, I am just not sure I am ready to deal with that yet. Everything has changed. I have changed. Someone came into my life and just...boom. The connection was intense, never on this level have I felt this so quickly with someone. It wasn't even physical at first for me, I mean I always look – who doesn't – always can appreciate some eye candy. Look but don't touch as they say because your in a committed monogamous relationship. More on my thoughts on monogamy another day. This is something I need to explore more for myself, but later. Let me get back to why I am having this need to write about my encounter and get this out and to do it anonymously. So, this day I looked. Not right away mind you, I had no thoughts or expectations of doing what I did. It was just a day of hanging out with my sister at my summer place. My 2 kids were there too. So, we decided to go to a bar nearby my summer place, order some food and have a few drinks while we waited for the food.
Now, something else about me, I love people watching.
This day, as we ordered our drinks and looked around our surroundings, we notice across the bar from us a group of young-ish guys (I later played a guessing game with on of them if we could guess each others age hence why I say young-ish compared to me). There were 5 or 6 of them. So, we watched them, I mean how could you not? They were a few drinks in and most of them were drooling over the bartender. And in true “guy” fashion, being loud and very obvious with their intentions. So my sister and I watched them and commented to each other and laughed at them. I think this is what started it actually. One of them, leaned over the bar, very obviously watched her walk away and said pretty loudly “tabernac she is so fuckin hot”. So kudos to him for expressing himself out loud and being so honest. I have been on the receiving end of these before and while I will admit I enjoyed (proper tense would be enjoy as I still do, if or when it happens), it's not very attractive in a guy to be this obvious, if this makes sense. I feel like an object, and I guess that is all they see you as, but I want more than to be objectified in a way where you only want to know one thing from me – sex.
So, they started talking to us and a few others at the bar and we started going back and forth on various things and me being me with a few drinks in and bit high (marijuana – its legal now) I start to be my shameless flirting self. Yes, I like to flirt, have fun, no harm right? Well, we kept talking, teasing them and I also play this game with my sister, if you had to pick one which one would you pick? I like to nickname people, so we nicknamed some of them. There was a guy who reminded me of Tom Holland – he was spiderman. Then there was Prince Ali, the lifeguard and then you – I called you Irish. You were my pick. I thought at first, physically he wasn't all that bad. Not really my type, you were tall and lean, I usually like thick, muscly, like a Chris Hemsworth or Hugh Jackman, Jason Statham, you know the type. So, then more talking, more banter back and forth, you started to engage now more and more with me.
Then sister decided she wanted to smoke another joint, I said sure. She walks back to get one, and two of your buddies go with her. We then found out, 2 of them have family right near my summer place and the rest of you were here visiting for the night. Then Prince Ali moved closer to where I was sitting, then you also came closer. Sister came back and her and I talked a bit more. I could tell you wanted to engage more and were also listening to us.
Now, parts of this whole encounter are fuzzy to me, so not sure how it happened but, the 3 of us ended up smoking together. You and her went into it about infantry vs. army. At this point we had also commented to each other about how we feel like we have alot in common and think the same way about topics, world issues, whatever. At this point we knew there was a connection, there was something that had started. I still at this point was not thinking about going as far as we did, just having fun, enjoying myself, enjoying the attention and the banter. I love someone who can go toe to toe with me and who really gets my humour and you did. I have had a few people in my life who have been able to do this with me. One guy I almost came close to doing what we did. He was a co-worker and him and I had something too. We never explored though, we always refrained, but we flirted, we enjoyed each other that way. I knew him though. You I didn't know, didn't know your name and you didn't know my name, strangers who met one day and had something.
I know who you are now, and part of me wishes I hadn't found you because now I torture myself being able to see you. Damn you and damn myself for being so curious. It's my curiosity that always gets me in trouble.
So, after we smoked, I left, back to my summer place because I had children I was responsible for and had to tend to. I am a mother, part of who I am now.
Then you and prince Ali ended up at my fire, a few others were there as well for a bit. I loved though that as soon as my sister moved from beside me, you just came in and took that seat beside me. We talked some more and then Prince Ali left, sister left and then it was you and me. In the dark, feeling that connection between us, not touching yet, but just knowing each other in a different way then at the physical level. I wont lie, there was definitely lust, there had to be, but it was also more than that. We had started talking about if we took this further at this point already. I wanted to so bad, but I also knew it was wrong so I struggled with that. Its deceiving someone who I pledged loyalty too, my children too in a way and I know you were in the same situation. You have been with her for 5 years.
Anyways, I decided I didn't want to end this and asked you to wait for me while I put everyone to bed. You waited. I snuck out – sneaking out sounds so dirty and wrong but it is what it is, can't be anything else. But I went to you.