I am depressed.
Melancholic.
I like that word – melancholic – because it implies more than just depressed, but pensive. Sad thoughtfulness.
Because that's exactly what's happening to me right now. I am reflective, meditative, and very thoughtful.
I should prepare for the idea that one day, A.I. will be able to link together my writing style here, plus other info about me (gringo, brazil), to my real-life identity. I digress...
I feel as though nothing will really change my mood. Or that perhaps I could change, but not to anything better.
For example I could go back to drinking alcohol. Bam, progress erased – maybe I feel good for a bit – maybe for a while! But I'll then get anxiety and depression from alcohol, plus a shortened life.
Maybe I could download Tinder, flirt with girls, or even go to a strip club and hire a hooker. But that would either end my marriage or alter it in a sad way. Even if my wife never found out, I would feel anxious and depressed from holding the secret.
I could gorge myself on food – I could smoke weed – I could smoke tobacco – I could burn random shit – I could jack off – I could go back to watching porn – I could gamble – but it's all escape.
All running away from my current state of mind, that seems determined – for however long – to stay in this melancholic, sad, pensive state of mind.
I remember from that very first DMT trip. That very first psychedelic experience.
“I wish I didn't come to G [country]. It was a mistake to come here.”
And hearing back, from C.
“You're not going to like every place you visit.”
To this day I don't know if he actually said that, or my mind conjured that up.
Something about that sentence was profound for me.
Maybe it's the fact he didn't try to qualify it with anything, like “and that's ok.”
Or that he didn't have some type of advice with it, like “and travelling's not for everyone, so you can decide to not travel if you don't want to.”
In many ways it was just an expression of a kind of truth. That I am travelling whether I like it or not. I am visiting places. And I am not going to like every place I go.
A thought came to me in a car ride today, as well.
That the Jewish kid born into Nazi Germany, or in Poland, and shipped to a concentration camp – even if I get reincarnated as him/her – will not remember my past life for a good reason.
That reason is, it's worse to deal with something horrid, if you have the contrast that makes it seem so.
If you have nothing beautiful to compare ugliness to, it stops being ugly.
There is no real objectivity, huh?
Only by knowing the beautiful, good, and right, do the ugly, bad, and wrong appear.
Striving to experience peak moments of joy and pleasure WILL lead to experiencing peak moments of sadness and pain.
So coming back to where I am. Yes, I am sad. Yes I am melancholic.
No, I won't try to escape it. I guess I have faith that all things are impermanent including this condition.
“The world is maintained by change”, Marcus Aurelius wrote almost 2000 years ago.
One day, the world will forget his words too...
Russ seems to have the idea that if you are delusional in a positive way, you can change you reality.
If you imagine the beach house, how your car turns in the driveway... and you imagine you having that now... you'll get it.
Hmm... maybe I should start manifesting.
“What if it can turn out better than you imagine?”
I don't want to go out right now.
I don't want to sleep.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to work.
I don't want to game.
Terence McKenna on discipline – “listen, shut up! stop thinking about this! we're going to get through! keep breathing, keep looking.”
I don't want to go back to eating bad quality food. Too much fat and carbs.
I want to keep my gut sugar-starved and starve out that bad bacteria.
Terence McKenna's last interview – why does the universe have a predisposition for order?
Hmm. I wonder – if I did another ayahuasca session, would I feel good again? Or do I need to sit with this lesson for a while longer?
Going into ayahuasca with few attachments, feeling a bit down – that's a great way to start.
I'm talking out my ass.