I am making an error of logic when I begin wanting to die because negative moments exist and will always exist and come back again and again. And because every happy moment is compensated by a negative one.
Because I don't discount with the fact that equally happy moments exist.
And it's true – when I am happy, death seems horrid! I want life to go on.
“This, then, is the human problem: there is a price to be paid for every increase in consciousness. We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain. By remembering the past we can plan for the future. But the ability to plan for the future is offset by the “ability” to dread pain and to fear of the unknown. Furthermore, the growth of an acute sense of the past and future gives us a corresponding dim sense of the present. In other words, we seem to reach a point where the advantages of being conscious are outweighed by its disadvantages, where extreme sensitivity makes us unadaptable.”
Ahh, Alan Watts. What a dude.
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
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“I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.”
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“We are living in a culture entirely hypnotized by the illusion of time, in which the so-called present moment is felt as nothing but an infintesimal hairline between an all-powerfully causative past and an absorbingly important future. We have no present. Our consciousness is almost completely preoccupied with memory and expectation. We do not realize that there never was, is, nor will be any other experience than present experience. We are therefore out of touch with reality. We confuse the world as talked about, described, and measured with the world which actually is. We are sick with a fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas.”
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“Try to imagine what it will be like to go to sleep and never wake up... now try to imagine what it was like to wake up having never gone to sleep.”
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“It's like you took a bottle of ink and you threw it at a wall. Smash! And all that ink spread. And in the middle, it's dense, isn't it? And as it gets out on the edge, the little droplets get finer and finer and make more complicated patterns, see? So in the same way, there was a big bang at the beginning of things and it spread. And you and I, sitting here in this room, as complicated human beings, are way, way out on the fringe of that bang. We are the complicated little patterns on the end of it. Very interesting. But so we define ourselves as being only that. If you think that you are only inside your skin, you define yourself as one very complicated little curlique, way out on the edge of that explosion. Way out in space, and way out in time. Billions of years ago, you were a big bang, but now you're a complicated human being. And then we cut ourselves off, and don't feel that we're still the big bang. But you are. Depends how you define yourself. You are actually—if this is the way things started, if there was a big bang in the beginning— you're not something that's a result of the big bang. You're not something that is a sort of puppet on the end of the process. You are still the process. You are the big bang, the original force of the universe, coming on as whoever you are. When I meet you, I see not just what you define yourself as—Mr so-and- so, Ms so-and-so, Mrs so-and-so—I see every one of you as the primordial energy of the universe coming on at me in this particular way. I know I'm that, too. But we've learned to define ourselves as separate from it.”
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“But I'll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you'll come to understand that you're connected with everything.”
Kind of annoying that there is no escape.
But I suppose given that there is no escape, there is no way home either. No longing for home.
I haven't had a tinge of a psychotic break since... Monday.
oof. That's not long ago. That's the same day I begun the fast.
But ok... for some reason, I still get the sense that everything is going to be all right. If the borderlessness comes, I can be here for it.
I truly hope that I don't go insane from it.
I will definitely hold off from taking psychedelics for some time.
Am I sensitive to them for a reason?
Woah – what if the meaning of my trip was that I need to control myself?
I mean... previous trips have taught me the opposite lesson. To let myself feel my dark side, feel my sexuality, feel and express my anger, my lust, my greed.
But maybe I have had enough of that lesson. Time to swing back to control – but this time, in a good, considered way, without guilt for any failures.
Control for the sake of others because it's for the sake of me.
Not control for the sake of others whilst denigrating me.
Viktor Frankl is right. Or Neitzche. Or JBP. Whoever it is. If you construct a meaning, then you can deal with whatever situation you encounter. Ah- Jung! That's it.
Music sounds pretty good right now. I wonder if that's because I've had a lot of rest, or because I've not eaten for a while? Rise – Random Rab and LVDY
Beepis. Time to go back to work.