I have begun drinking coffee again.
Yes I notice that it's toxic.
Yes I notice that it gives me anxiety and unnecessary stress.
But without it I am becoming apathetic and dealing with an existential crisis.
Life feels meaningless. My connection with god/source feels severed.
I feel like everything is illusion except the white void that I saw during aya.
Everything feels proper meaningless in light of this void.
Work, health, relationships...
I have a constant awareness of my mortality, of the fact that I'll lose everyone and everything precious to me, that everything I have is on loan and will be taken back one day.
Why even bother building a strong body if life will break it down?
Why even bother building a big business if it will eventually become obsolete?
Why even bother building an amazing relationship if it will eventually end
– worse, if I am the one to leave it prematurely, leaving my wife to mourn over it's loss?
Coffee is one of the least destructive drugs I can take to paper over this void. It focuses me on work. Gives me an endorphin release. Gives me some stress.
It also keeps me focused on money, which I am becoming dangerously apathetic to. If I totally neglect my finances, I will lose a lot more than mental peace – I will lose my relationship, my access to healthy food, my ability to choose who I work for, my ability to see my family, and much more.
I am worried that caffeine won't be enough, and that I'll turn to alcohol or worse drugs to try to deal.
Maybe I can balance out the caf with a 3-4 day fast each month?