Re-reading Siddhartha ending did nothing except make me scared.
Or maybe confused.
I had a glimpse of reality – or was it imagination?
Of time as an illusion, of all being merged – apparent opposites being one.
Each murdering knife stab containing within it it's own resolution.
Each arrow shot becoming a flower.
Then I went to talk with my friends... naturally the subject moved to politics...
and I noticed how every single view that got espoused
- the importance of self-responsibility
- whether single-motherhood was good
- whether we are under a great reset conspiracy
whether organic is better
was at once true in both ends. That is, in it's opposite sense.
Yes the world is under a great conspiracy. No it isn't – AT THE SAME TIME.
Yes organic is better – and it isn't, at the same time.
I also got scared by the imagery of being at peace with all – somehow.
The pained face of a karp, a twisted corpse, a hateful face, an insane person – as one, with everything good at the same time.
How the fuck can you smile or be in peace with that?
And I suppose it's recursive...
The one who is at peace with that is just a mirror of the one who is fucking terrified by it.
I also don't know why the world has a negative bent. Or is that just me? Am I simply hardwired to pay more attention to that which is scary and sad?
I am also scared that if I taste this 'enlightenment' shit for too long, I will meet my death and lose all this progress of knowing.
Like no bro! I want to live a long life. At least 5x this current life. And I want to do it with big, good learnings!
But I suppose I don't have any choice over it.
I am scared about manifesting my death via worry. In case law of attraction is real...
Just to rub in a personal example... escorting is both horrible and traumatic and literally empowering and life-giving at the same time.