Recovering from depersonalisation:
When I depersonalise, I experience a sense of “remembering”. That all is one, that I am a single absolute consciousness that is creating all of reality as a distraction from myself.
It occurs for me as a simple fact, and it quickly gets terrifying.
Yet… I just noticed that in that very case, the case where I depersonalise, I am personalising the “absolute consciousness”.
A person feels lonely. A person feels bored. A person wants to escape.
At the very moment that I depersonalise, I am still relating to reality/life as a person!
And whenever I remember it, I am also only recollecting a limited portion to the experience. I cannot take any conclusions away from it.
At the end of the day, right now I believe in God, I believe he gave me the free will to choose whether I believe in him. I believe that in the moments I choose not to believe in him, I get a taste of the hell that is separation from God and total, recursive self reliance.
There is a heaven. I am sure of it. The very thought of it calms me, makes me happy, and fills the sense of void inside me. How can it not exist? I am sure my mental model of it is nowhere near how it really is. But I truly believe that it exists.
I hope that the next time I despersonalize, I stop the train in its tracks. That I realise the irrationality of both thinking everything is one / I am absolute, AND yet still relating to it as a person.
I am tired of this nondual/monist shit. I am tired of gnostic ideas.
If I was the all powerful creator of everything, I would not experience the limits I have. I also would not be afraid, or lonely, or bored, or insane. If I was absolutely conscious, I would not be scared of myself or trying to trick myself / get disguised.
That comes from this body. Me, really. And I also don’t think we are all one soul. That doesn’t make the same sense to me. I cannot estimate everything others do. I cannot feel a total connection with someone else. There is a difference between me and my wife – and a difference between both of us and my friends, family, etc.
Maybe it’s hard for people to believe there’s a loving, ethical God that created everything good. I can understand that to an extent. Yet… just by accepting God, it’s fascinating… life gets better.
Thank fuck I am not using psychedelics anymore. Thank fuck I’m able to drink coffee again without feeling like I’ll have a panic attack.
Life is getting more stable for me and that is a precious gift.
Thank you God. Fuck ayahuasca. Because of Jesus, I am getting and will get better.
As I pray, and as I strive to align myself with the Holy Spirit, things just get better.