Home for my words


An experimental, stream of consciousness exploration of the leper's point of view in Mark 1:40-45.

“And a leper came” it's my own fault for being contagious. Skin melts off and corrupts. Can't go near a soul even my own. Don't touch me give me food maybe some figs. Living on the outside as a curse. Afraid of me because I am visible. Blame me for your problems push me out. Sin smells like me so you keep me far from you so as not to remind you of your faults. I'm too painful for you but I can't feel a thing nerves all dead except for shame.

Shame, shame, shame on the human race. I'm just the manifestation of our curse. Why do I have to bear it while you get to deny it and dull the sense of it with take care of the kids and plant the seeds mend shoes make enough coins maybe to spend it with friends drinking wine take it easy on Saturday? Sure you feel it sometimes crops won't grow died in childbirth stubbed a toe lost in the war but I bear it in my skin and everyone hates me you don't have to do that. I blame myself everyone else does starting to think hope is a myth.

Better go to the temple need to eat to survive but I don't really want to. Not coward enough to kill myself how would I do it anyway can't hold a thing with a claw hand. I'll just exist like a lump of curse maybe I'll inspire you to fear God maybe that's my purpose to be a warning. Better obey Him or you'll become feet swelling pain at first but goes away nose shaved off maybe lose a hand or a foot concentrate to breathe. Leper. Better not sin or “to Jesus,”

Jesus who's that keep hearing that name. Demon prophet god healer heretic. You should see him what's the point probably just another lunatic from Nazareth that tiny town. Might be interesting though to see him hear what he has to say. Healer could he heal me? No stop best not get my hopes up. Talking about the kingdom of heaven can't make sense of it but it burns me haven't felt like this in a long time. Repent kingdom of heaven is near he says. Near? Where? I can't see it but I can feel it breaking through the clouds pushing out of my heart like a needle. This world is all wrong topsy turvy but heaven sets it right. Is he crazy but he answers all of them all the doubts and burns them up. Brood of vipers woe to them he's right about that never did anything for me. I watch them all the time and I see what no one else sees because they don't notice me. Don't notice while they take the coins from the people doing the work that keeps the sun turning while they sit there telling them what to do praying on the corners right in front of me without seeing me thanking God they're not like me brood of vipers get what's coming to them.

Blessed are the poor not sure I understand that but I want to says the kingdom could be mine. Repent kingdom is near want to believe. Leave it all behind be healed and not have to slough skin crawling through the streets for a handful of figs Jesus Jesus of Nazareth can he hear me? I've never believed in anyone can't remember the last time I had hope “beseeching” but if there's an un-corrupted soul pure mighty righteous morning star shining in this tainted broken infected stinking bloody angry darkened world yours is the one shining like fired bronze a brand in the night star in the sky light in my life. If you can't heal me no one else will but I don't know why you would want to no one else does but you can do it if you're willing, loving, compassionate, caring enough powerful enough true son of God savior messiah walking on the earth willing to heal a wretched shriveled up burning angry mess of flesh bag of meat sordid pile of stinking human corpse remains barely breathing enough to keep sinning Jesus Jesus Jesus why please if you want to willing to heal make me better not what I am show me the way light at the tunnel inhale illuminate the perspective change the game the night to day stone to flesh please willing are you are you willing I'll do anything just to I'm breaking down “falling on his knees” can't live without you in my life please say yes if you're willing are you? Are you willing?

Can't really see what's on His face did He hear? Wait He's what He- Stop! Don't touch me! You'll be tainted sickened infected why can't I move or say a thing He's just reaching “moved with compassion” no! Hand on my shoulder feels like home warm my mother's womb father's proud of me. I shouldn't let Him do it but I can't move He heard me and everyone is watching what's He going to do or say?

“I am willing; be cleansed.”

Healed! Healed healed healed healed what's that He's saying? Healed! Can't really heal Him over the din of limbs and face made whole I'm better- says not to tell anyone- healed! Right I'll remember “to the priest” healed! I'm going to tell the whole town whole world that I'm healed there's a man named Jesus of Nazareth and He healed me I'm not sick never going to be a leper again! Supposed to testimony but I'm healed! Look He's over there with disciples yeah remember me my face looks different now because it's healed. Yes! He's over there His name is Jesus of Nazareth see Him over there oh well just ask and you'll find Him hard to miss maybe at the temple supposed to Moses but look I'm healed walking like its nothing see? Got my arm back! Proclaim in the market in the synagogue supposed to in the streets- healed! Go find him Jesus of Nazareth you know? He healed me! Yes that's Him can't miss Him He touched me and healed me and I'm not a leper. Healed! Healedhealealedheallledealedeallleeed...

Now the whole town knows “to such an extent that Jesus could no longer publicly enter a city, but stayed out in unpopulated areas; and they were coming to Him from everywhere.”

#fiction #experimental #Jesus

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