headchecks

i wish i was still passionate
so i can pretend to love life
but still no words come out
no words can

i was tricked into thinking
nothing about me is okay
but everything is okay,
i swear to god it's okay

for fuck's sake, define happy
i need to know what it is
i want to be what it is
are you?

choose a number from one to four
have you felt lonely? have you felt angry?
have you felt like you want to destroy yourself?

i've already tried to do whatever you're suggesting to—
everything i try just comes back.

i wish i can blame you for everything i feel
but i know in some ways, i walked into this
everytime i see you, i tense up just a bit
i wish i didn't daydream so damn much

when i see your face
it's nothing i remember
vaguely it's you but
so full of hate

choose a number from ten to twelve
that's how many hours that i've cried
i hope you got what you fucking want

i wish i was still passionate
so i can pretend to move on
but still my feet are planted
still my feet are planted

and i know you'll never love me
never touch me, never kiss me
i almost killed myself
and you didn't blink.