headchecks

“i got crosschecked and almost got another concussion” i said. i was joking, mostly.
“what number, what team?” you said. you looked serious. someone laughed at how you jumped to defend me.
i laughed it off too.
i think where i fucked up,
was when your friend died.
i don't know how close you were with him. i was a dick nevertheless.
my friend died, too, and you rejected me.
that's fine. it's alright.
did you feel that way?
did you cry yourself to sleep?
or was it for show—or am i making you be the bad guy so i feel less shit about this?
“lets go to the rink” you said. i was stupid. i didnt get it. i said lets get the engineering gang together. thank fuck no one but us could go
“let me buy you ice cream” you said. it may have dawned on me. but then i went away
what happened?
why?
you've seen me sit through the pledge of allegiance several times. i'm not american. i do not stand for america and the horrors she has perpetrated.
but you still stand awkwardly in your desk to pledge to a country that doesn't want me.
do you not understand?
do you not understand?
do you not understand?
was that the reason?