headchecks

you try to overwrite him with someone else—
a different man.

(you even tried a woman
in an feeble attempt to be normal)

… it will never work.

your memory of him is hazy
compressed and saved as a jpeg
screenshotted and cropped
it’s half noise and half effigy

all those hits, all those concussions, those little deaths
you can’t really remember what he was actually like
… but you remember what you wanted him to be.

you wanted him to be great
you believed in him
maybe he could’ve played in the AHL
… if he was a little taller.

you can’t bring yourself to hate him,
i mean, it makes sense
those hopes for him
… were hopes for yourself.

i know it hurts.
… it's supposed to.

he still takes up too much space in your mind.
you think about deleting it, replacing it
… but you can’t.

it would be stupid to try and overwrite
a part of yourself, anyways.