Another thing.
It's come to my attention over the past few months and weeks that I really am nothing specially. In fact, I lost a lot of my oomph and determination to make things work.
Maybe I should make things less comfortable for myself?
But how can I make thing worse when wincing to spend $22 on Valentine's Day chocolate is already bad enough?
Anyways.
When I read, I don't focus nearly as much as I did before, and I don't remember things. I have so many pages dogearred on “Originals”, but I know I don't remember most of it. Is it a memory thing, or is this normal?
I used to think that I was special, that I was going to be somebody, that I had talent, and now I realize that I'm actually not special at all, maybe even below average. No one will mourn me when I'm dead, and I'll have no contributions in this world because I'm not a scientist or a wordsmith.
And the research I've read recently suggests that we don't really get more talented as we get older. We more or less stay the same.
Is that depressing news or what?
I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know how much of this is genetic, how much of this is diet-based, how much if lifestyle-based, and how much is just fate.
I'm slowly becoming a vegan and trying to lower my salt, sugar, and processed food intake. Hopefully that can help things, but I just don't know.
I know that negative self-talk isn't a good thing for your outlook and motivation and all that jazz, but I just need to get it out, you know? I spend so much time in my head overthinking things and trying to tease out solutions that I just want to write it down. Hopefully at some point I can re-read these posts and work out some patterns and solutions that aren't apparent now.
Going to go now.