I feel like a wolf stuck in a cage that would gnaw on its own leg to get out.
This depression is seriously getting worse.
I started taking the vitamin D pills a month ago, and they seemed to help a little bit. But now that the apprenticeships are over and I realize that as per usual I didn't do any of the things I planned on doing so that I could have a job lined up, I'm feeling even more depressed. Plus it's been hitting more and more what a loser I am. My younger cousin is a single woman working in GA, living her best life and making good money for a 20-something. J just got a new job in TN, with a start date in April.
How the hell did I ever think that being paid $35 an article was sustainable, or $16-20 per hour as a freelancer for those shitty teaching companies?
How could I could have been that dumb? I just don't understand it. Why did I let myself go like that?
I'm stuck in this apartment by own will. I never got a car because I didn't have the money and I believed the minimalist bullshit that you don't need cars, yaddy yaddy yada. J got just an apartment far south in the city, where there isn't much going on and it certainly isn't walkable. I can take the subway, but it's still a 13-minute walk plus money, and I can't go that many places without having to take another bus. Even then, forget getting somewhere in a decent time, or going somewhere more than .5 miles away from the bus lines, or bringing anything with you for else you'll be a bag lady dragging tons of nonsense with you and looking 10 kinds of foolish.
This is a punishment of my own making, but I can't find a way to get out.
I don't look good on paper, and no employer will hire me. They can tell I've had too many diverse interests and I'm not linear.
Oh, that's a good idea for a Medium publication — Nonlinear: One Millennial's Journey towards being successful. The tagline could use work.
But anyways, employers think I'm junk, and that's even if I don't go into the Resume Black Hole.
I can't focus on things anymore. This depression is truly eating me up. I can't focus on things, I'm perpetually exhausted, anxious, stressed out, sleep. I can't prioritize, I can't get work done. It's been 5 days and I haven't finished yet one piece for my portfolio, and I wanted to have it all done this week!
That's all I have to write for now, I know there's more, but it's not spilling out at the moment. Usually that happens at bedtime when I'm exhausted by regretting everything I didn't do and being overly hopeful at what all I can do tomorrow.
08/02/2019.