Hubert B. Tyman

HEADQUARTERS – Earlier today, sources confirmed that the Department has been unable to find a replacement for the hardest working lieutenant in the city’s history, Quinlan Egan, forcing overtime payments approaching six-figures. “We asked all over the job, and also put feelers out internationally, but no one could match his skills,” said a high-ranking chief.

“The ideal candidate would be able to move papers from one office to the next, send a few emails, and work out in the basement gym several times per day,” said the chief. “But they have to be able to do that all on straight time, and that’s challenging to find,” he added.

While the massive overtime payments may seem controversial, the rank-and-file understand it is a necessity for someone with irreplaceable skills who works as hard as Lt. Very Special Assignment (LVSA) Egan. In the Bronx, Police Officer Cashfilcher echoed the sentiment. “Who are they to criticize him? I wish I had the same level of skill and administrative prowess,” said Cashfilcher, who was awaiting a meeting with his ICO to discuss why he exceeded 40 hours cash for the month for doing police work. “We make sacrifices so Lt. Egan can get the money he deserves. That’s just part of being the best.”

After a day spent shadowing Lt. Egan, it became clear why the overtime was necessary. “Basically, I start my day at midnight,” he said. “I come into the office before anyone else so I can catch up on the news of the day, which is best taken in while laying down on the office couch. I need to be relaxed before the real work starts, like boxers before they enter the ring. This is what I call ‘In the Zone’ time.”

He went on to explain how, “At around 0800 hours, the other less-skilled members of the office begin to stroll in. You know, the 10 cadets, 15 sergeants, 7 lieutenants, 18 civilians, 4 captains, 3 inspectors, and several chiefs. They mean well, but they just can’t do what I do,” said Lt. Egan, as he sent several lengthy emails beginning with “As per” and “Effective immediately.”

When asked about how he manages to have so much pep in his step for being the Department’s hardest worker, he said, “I work out every day, but the problem is I can never manage to get down there on straight time, so keeping me in shape is an expense the city has to bear for my level of work ethic,” he said.

He continued, “By around 1600 hours, I take paperwork from the 13th Floor to the 10th Floor, and then down to the 3rd Floor before going to the 7th Floor and then back to the 13th Floor. As you can see, this is a daunting endeavor, so I’m usually done by around 1900hrs.” By nightfall, all other members of the office have gone EOT, leaving Lt. Egan to review the remaining work, which, from what we could see, mostly entailed formatting the margins on several UF-49’s and saying hello to acquaintances on other floors.

By 2355 hours, he left the building to raucous applause by the Headquarters Security officers at the gate, who shed a tear of joy. “It’s an honor to work around someone so skilled, so gifted, and so keen on the principles of integrity. It makes me remember why I put this uniform on in the first place.”

However, Lt. Egan was only stretching his legs before signing back in. “Midnight is around the corner. Time to do it all over again,” he said. “I TCB – Take Care of Business. And that comes with a price.”

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —