Hubert B. Tyman

NEW YORK PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL – In what can only be described as a ray of light on an otherwise dire situation, the famed “Make a Wish Foundation” has vowed to grant the Department it’s dying wish to finally become a real police department, sources said. The news was delivered directly to “The Job,” which has been terminally ill for 175 years and bedridden at the hospital that charged the least money.

A spokesman for the organization explained. “As you know, we’ve been helping young children achieve their dreams with what little time they have left,” he said. “When we heard about the Job, and how it has tried for so long to become a real police department, my colleagues and I just knew we had to step up.”

The plight made international headlines last week when the Department had to release an official statement stating the Job was, contrary to popular belief, still alive. “When we heard at headquarters that rumors of the Job being dead were spreading, we had to clarify that was not the case,” said Detective First Grade Parker, who takes a 4-hour meal twice per day.

“Sure, the Job has been in an induced coma since the late 1880s, right after it was diagnosed with high-functioning alcoholism, but it’s taken its toll and we don’t know how much longer it has,” added Parker, who has never detected anything, contrary to his title.

The Foundation arrived earlier this afternoon, and with the stroke of a pen, granted the dying wish. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it,” said Chief Fusilli al Dente.

“Within seconds of the wish being granted, the officers standing guard outside of the hospital room traded their faded New Balance sneakers for high gloss shoes and actually looked presentable,” said the chief. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like the movies,” he said.

Meanwhile, across the city, Building Maintenance personnel were seen removing the bandaids from precinct boilers and air conditioners. “I used to have to come here every other day to repair the HVAC system since the technology has been outdated for decades and no one wanted to cough up the money to replace them.

But today, we got the call that downtown wanted us to upgrade everything, state-of-the-art they told me,” added the worker. “They wanted cops to actually be cool in summer and warm in winter, which was very strange to hear,” he said. “I thought it was a prank.”

In Queens, reports were taken and written with complete sentences and actually sounded coherent. In Brooklyn, officers actually responded to vehicle collisions in a timely manner and gave high quality service, finding multiple fuck to give about complainants.

Over at the personnel bureau, phones began to ring off the hook, said Sgt. Thomas. “The bosses said no more transfers based on hooks. From now on, qualifications only,” she said, seemingly pleased.

“So we’ve had to spend the day telling executives that their children who have difficulty reading at a 5th-grade level and have only a few weeks on patrol will not be able to go to JTTF or the Crime Scene Unit,” said the sergeant.

In the Bronx, RMPs suddenly began to work as normal vehicles, and once-chewed steering wheels looked new. Meanwhile, over at the Police Academy, newly promoted supervisors were actually taught about leadership and how to care about cops, such as putting their subordinates before their own aspirations.

‘This is the biggest shift in New York City policing since, well, ever,” said the PBA President. However, when asked by his membership if this meant a new contract would soon come, he added, “Let’s not get carried away. Wishes are not miracles,” he said, before shaking hands and accomplishing little.

Downtown, DCAS began writing promotional exams that tested competency and actual real-world scenarios instead of semantics and minutiae.

At a Manhattan detail, a litany of officers were shocked when the Job finally figured out where it wanted barriers. “This is wild,” said P.O. McButterman. “Right when I got to post, an inspector said he wanted the barriers here, and no one came by to tell me to move them for the entire tour,” he said. “Not to mention, a bunch of captains came by and didn’t complain about 8-point caps. So refreshing.”

By day’s end, however, it was back to business as usual, as everyone who wanted overtime couldn’t get it, and everyone who didn’t want overtime was shafted with day five tour changes and RDO details.

“It was good while it lasted,” said a sergeant before making a call to his daughter to tell her he won’t be able to make her birthday party, after being told he couldn’t give the notification to someone who wanted it, ‘just because.’

In a strange twist, doctors were able to revive the Job yet again, setting the stage for another 175 years of mediocrity.

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —