Precinct Commander Realizes He's Not That Big of a Deal
MANHATTAN – After years of failed self-reflection, a downtown Manhattan precinct commander has finally realized he isn’t that important and was forced to acknowledge he is just like everyone else, sources learned this morning.
The 2nd Precinct Commanding Officer, Captain Tomazzo “Two-Bars” Smithers, came to the realization after a series of events led him to rethink life as an angry executive. “It all started when I walked into a room and the people inside didn’t immediately come to attention, render a salute, and ask if I wanted coffee,” said Smithers.
“But just because it was my wife and kids in the room doesn’t mean they are exempt from rendering the proper courtesies,” he added. “I mean, c’mon. This is why I wear my uniform in the house, so my rank is always visible,” said the lifelong captain, who boasts of his dining room table in the shape of two gold bars.
Shortly after writing his young son a command discipline for being off-post, he entered his take-home vehicle, which was of a condition befitting a long-time, ill-tempered captain. Sources said this simply added to Smithers’ realization. “I walked into Fleet Services and had to stand there for a full three seconds before I was acknowledged. Don’t they know who I am?“ he said. After his request to be assigned a car with lights in the wheels like the Police Commissioner was denied, he went into a tailspin.
“This is absolute bullshit. I’m a captain in the world’s leading mediocre law enforcement agency, and they want to give me a sedan with miles on it?” Smithers raged, before being kicked out of the command by a captain who shockingly managed to be promoted without making his cops’ lives a living hell. “I expect other captains to salute and respect me. I’m not on the same playing field as they are, and it infuriates me they don’t see that.”
As he made his way downtown in his Department-issued hooptie, Smithers could not help but stop to inspect multiple uniformed members who were not assigned to his command “I can’t help myself,” he admitted, before hitting the siren multiple times to get the attention of grown men and women rather than introducing himself.
Smithers went on to scold the lieutenant, sergeant, and officer individually for not knowing an archaic code from the VTL, and being unaware as to what Smithers’ middle name was. “I’ve been trying to get the Training Bureau to do a presentation on my background to all new recruits and those being promoted, that way they’ll be prepared when they encounter me in the field,” said Smithers. “I’ve earned one-way respect,” he added.
Meanwhile, his morally deficient operator also scolded the members. “When I drive Captain Smithers, his aura rubs off on me. It takes a few seconds for me to take it all in, but once I do, I basically become a chief.” When asked how he knows it’s working, “I suddenly don’t give a shit about morale and start shouting orders, expecting people to bow down and cater to my ego. It’s intoxicating,” he said.
Unfortunately for Captain Smithers, reality finally set in when he pulled up to the 2nd Precinct. “I specifically told the desk officer I wanted valet parking when I arrived. She’s getting a hit,” he said, before entering his dilapidated office. As he sat down in his crusty chair, it dawned on him. “Is it possible I’m not as important as I think I am?”
He concluded, “I thought becoming a captain would validate me, and provide the respect I never got growing up. Perhaps I was wrong all these years.” However, his epiphany was short-lived. He was later seen continuing to treat members of the service as mere pawns on his chessboard of failed leadership.
— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —