Hubert B. Tyman

SUFFOLK COUNTY – In a widespread effort aimed at assisting members of the service to obtain higher rank, the top promotional schools have released course information for the upcoming sergeant’s exam. Touting the details in a joint newsletter with no “unsubscribe” link, the six-month course will cost $2,499 and one left testicle, with payment plans available at 35% APR.

The school owners agreed to speak with us in a telephone interview, which, at times, got rather heated and confrontational. “We’re pretty proud about this. This course will be our best one yet, with double the grammatically incorrect questions and even more yelling about time management than ever before,” claimed Joseph O’Connor, a retired Captain who runs Promotion Is Super Simple or P-I-S-S.

However, it was not all smiles after the announcement. Numerous aspiring sergeants in commands citywide were seen crunching numbers and deciding whether the increased cost was worth it. “I mean, the left testicle isn’t bad, but where am I going to get $2,499?” shouted Police Officer Gustavo, as he prepared to tell his wife he was going to disappear for six months.

When it was suggested the new pricing structure may be a bit excessive, the schools fought back with vigor. “Listen, you think we just pocket this? Sure, I put a new addition on my house and paid for my kid’s tuition with a dump truck of cash, but you know how much copy and pasting I had to do? This isn’t as easy as it looks,” screamed retired Deputy Inspector Michael Creano, founder of Clearly Really Accurate Promotional Preparation, or C-R-A-P-P, who then claimed that standing on a table and yelling is a tremendous effort for which he should be compensated.

When asked what the secret to their coursework was, a period of silence preceded a bold statement. “We can’t just give away our business model,” claimed the owners. However, they did hint that it involved merely reading readily available patrol guide procedures out loud in asbestos-laden rooms.

“Yell constantly, yell often, ramble on about 202, and the students won’t realize they can learn twice as much in half the time by reading on their own,” O’Connor claimed as Creano maniacally laughed in agreement.

The owners were particularly proud of their add-on services. “Yeah, the class costs $2,499, but for an additional fee, we’ll give you an app with dozens upon dozens of terrible questions that look nothing like the exam. And for another $40 add-on-to-the-add-on, we’ll call you up on your phone and yell procedures out to you.” Creano admitted that his C-R-A-P-P course masks bumbling material within fancy animations and flimsy effects. “This makes it look more legit and makes them think I have inside information,” he said.

Nevertheless, the dynamic duo was already preparing for the next lieutenant’s exam, which they planned to roll out next year for $5,999 after adjusting for inflation and increased costs. “This is a steal, and in no way is this predatory,” proudly barked O’Connor, before abruptly hanging up.

Sources tell us the two were seen later the day at Kinko’s, printing study packets that haven’t been proofread and throwing them in the back of his 2017 Lamborghini. “I wanted a Ferrari, but not enough people signed up for my last course. See? It’s not all fun and games. You can’t always get what you want.”

— Reporting by Hubert B. Tyman —