Inhumane..
The environment I am trying to do work is inhumane. I am still not comfortable – am I really anonymous here?
Two kids at home. I love, love, love, love them. When I see photos from the times when they were not born – I question where they are. Then I remember – they were not always here. Such an interesting feeling. I miss them when they go to sleep. I start missing them the minute I drop them to school.
But this high pitched tone they are using when talking. I cannot stand it. It is driving me crazy. And they talk – they talk a lot! Loud – with a sound that is just 🤪! It is like listening to the highest note on the guitar – very loud – all the time – without any harmony. It is higher pitched than the highest pitched note on a guitar I am sure..
I asked them politely 500 times so far – it just does not change anything.
I am expected to work. I am expected to write code. I can barely stay sane.
I should be focusing on solutions instead of complaining. What is the solution here? You can fix a deadlock in code, cause in a way you can go back in time. You can go back in time in the sense – you can delete the existing code and re-write it.
I have to work.. I have kids – I mean I cannot do anything about it anymore. Grandparents are in a different continent.. We have been in the waitlist for before and after school for over a year now with no progress.
Move somewhere else.. How? Moving costs money.. Rents are higher every other year. I do not have that kind of money. Stop complaining go back to your home country. What will change? I will have even less money – a worse future my kids..
We accepted paying a little over average rent for a 100 year old apartment (again another story..) because of the neighbourhood – we wanted our kids to be surrounded by nicer people, hopefully? This is a neighbourhood in this city with one of the highest income average. Now of course rich does not mean nice.. But at least it should, hopefully, in theory mean concerned? people – less trouble? – less bullying?. Who does not want that for their children?
Anyway, coming back to the topic at hand – I can hardly take this – and this is my regular/usual day. Everyday – every single day – I am dying inside a bit more.
As I said – I am not sure if I am completely anonymous here.. There is so much more I want to say.. I do not want to live. Not because of what I wrote here in this post. This is just another drop in the ocean. I can hardly take this life. Hardly.. So difficult. Not a single minute exists I feel happy. Not a single minute exists I feel free, myself, enjoying life.
None of this means I will do anything stupid. I will not. I will not leave anyone behind – at least deliberately. 2 innocent people with a bright future depend heavily on me. But did I enjoy today? No. Did I enjoy yesterday? No.. When was actually the last time I enjoyed a day – where I went to bed and I said, this was a good day.. I do not remember.
So much I want to get out – I need to feel more comfortable here. I wish I could be sure I was anonymous.
Until next time – if you can find any silence – enjoy it for me please for – “silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation”[Rumi].
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