Proof of concepts.. I wish I could, somehow, magically, do proof of concepts in my life. 🪄
I wish I could solve one particular thing just for a week or two. So I could find out at least if that is actually, really a problem – my main problem. What I need to fix.
Right now I feel like nothing is going well. Am I just mistaken? Am I just feeling bad about things because this one particular thing actually is broken?
I wish I could have a work I enjoyed for a week for example. I wonder if other things that annoy me would vanish? I wonder if I would be able to enjoy the rest of my life.
I wish I had a close friend maybe? Would I not stress so much about work – kids – the mayhem at home. Would I have had some energy?
There are other things I am not comfortable talking about – still – in theory I should be anonymous – but I cannot spit them out. So difficult.
I need help. So why am I not getting it? I am scared of the proposed solutions. I am also scared of the pressure that comes with it – now you are getting help – you must be happy.. I am scared of feeling even worse if the therapy does not work out. I told you to do this – and now you must be happy. What if I come to a point where the therapist says they cannot help me anymore? I better work with someone else? Another hit? I cannot take another hit, for real.
I feel like I have made very big mistakes. Wasted my life. Threw it away. It is not so bad. I am ok with wasting it – but I wish I was 90 years old and only looking back at it. The difficult part is actually living through it.
If a man's happiness means other peoples misery, how can that man be happy knowing others are miserable?
I am living a life my mind is rejecting. My body is rejecting. This has been going on for .. cannot tell.. few years now. I think it started building up 20 years ago, got somewhat serious 10 years ago and for the last 5 years I have been in the major leagues.
It is going downhill. I am scared of collapsing and not being able to work anymore. I am somewhat useful at the moment. Barely. I bring in money. I do not want to be totally useless.. On the other hand, I have no idea how I can keep this up for another 25 years until retirement.. Seriously, I need help. What kind of help – I do not know. I swear I can hardly take it.
I do not need help – I need a miracle..
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