Knowledge runs down.

Somehow ended up in a “discussion” with my mother about whether she would be like someone who was into BDSM.

(Somehow is that I brought her Sexed up: How society sexualizes us and how we can fight back by Julia Serano and told her to read “Chapter 10: Fantasies and Hierarchies” so we could discuss. Whoops.)

“I just think that aspect of their personality wouldn’t be isolated and it would permeate the rest of the life,” she said. “And that’s not someone I would want to be friends with.”

Jokes on you, Mom.

I brought her the book because a) she said that people who are into BDSM are mentally ill and have something wrong with them last time this came up (accidentally that time), and b) we’ve been having a hard time talking to each other about topics and I hoped that having a third party text to center our discussion on might make the convo feel less adversarial.

“Can we not have this conversation? I don’t care about this at all,” said Dad. Yeah, for sure. I don’t want to have this convo with you.

“Can’t you just explain it instead of me having to read it?” And so I tried, and she shook her head and disagreed every two seconds.

Her disagreements seem to be focused on what she thinks it would be like for her to try BDSM. No matter how I try to frame the scenario, to try to get her to imagine being someone else, she is like, “But that’s not how I want to relate with someone I love.”

I KNOW, MOM. JESUS H. CHRIST.

She was baseline against looking at the idea of BDSM from an abstract, philosophical stance. She only looked at it through her own lens.

I fundamentally do not understand that. There is so much more to learn than you can perceive alone, and so many more ways to expand your knowledge by considering what other people might think and prefer and why.

She was hooked on a single narrative and, despite my quoting evidence (MULTIPLE ACADEMIC STUDIES) participate in BDSM besides selfish, hateful, shameful, or self-harming reasons, she said, “Well, how truthful are people on surveys like that?”

She basically copped to thinking most anthro/soc/psych research is crap… which, to be fair, it’s not perfect. But I was planning to do research in those areas last year and she never mentioned!?

Bizarre.

I think I underestimate how much my desire to learn drives my whole perspective on life.

See, Mom? I like to get hit (during sex or not during sex) because it is pleasurable and I learn something from trying all the new things. Not because I was assaulted as a child, am anti-feminist, or am an inherently unpleasant person.

My friend suggested not bringing this up again because last time what my mom said really hurt. But I feel certain in my position and, recently, have been able to disregard my mother’s opinion when I disagree strongly.

I am turning the corner from one era of my life to another. I used to look to my mother for advice in all areas. Now, I know I am more of an expert in some. Usually, because I am willing to learn and learn and learn with an open mind.

I don’t want her to agree with me. I just want her to discuss the new ideas openly or at least reason about things on a philosophical level.

Love and don’t talk to your mom about kink,
Jordie