It's 5 days before Christmas, and something changed today. My mum was in the kitchen creating butter from cream. She was so excited, so happy as she saw the butter start to separate from the cream I could hear the Joy in her voice, but then a sudden shift as she witnessed it looked like something had gone wrong. It looked like it had started to mix back in again but she paused and waited just a little longer, and it all started to separate again. She realised that it had worked. I heard something when she spoke, deeper than cream and butter “I thought it had all gone wrong, but it all came together in the end”. When I heard this, it was God teaching me again through my mother and her words. It felt like God had just whispered, just when you think it's all gone wrong, it always comes together. You see, yesterday I didn't know if I was going to be able to make Christmas this year with presents. Just yesterday, I let the grief flow through me as I typed about the pain of possibly letting her down. Something shifted today, though, in that sentence, in that moment, something softened. I decided to let go and just be honest, be honest with the people I love and see if they could help me. I don't like asking for help. I've always felt like I'm always the one needing help somehow, that I can't just get things together myself, but I needed help, and maybe just maybe that was the very thing God was getting me to do. Open your arms and just speak. So I opened my arms, and I spoke. I spoke my truth and asked for help, and guess what, I got help from those I love, and in that moment, I've never felt so loved. Just yesterday, I was in so much pain, and today I felt the opposite. I felt the closeness of the people around me who always want to support me. Sure, they're not perfect, and I've struggled with them not being perfect because I often am somehow trying to be perfect. Today I saw and felt something new, though, a little crack of my heart opened back up wide, all because I asked for help. I think we get embarrassed and want to hide when we have to be honest and say I don't have it all together, but I'm really trying. I really am trying to do better and work on getting things together so I don't have to put any of my pressure on anybody else. Maybe it's not pressure for them, though maybe just maybe the joy it brought you, it also brought them too. I remember before this holding my pride so tight and close to me because I thought if I had asked for help, then maybe that meant I had failed, but I'm realising it was more of a success because I got to open my heart again to receiving help and support, which I don't often do. So if you're still here and are reading this... remember it's okay to ask for help, we are all here just trying to figure this thing out we call life. In order to receive, we must open our arms wide and speak.
Thoughts.
I feel like I can breathe again.
Just a woman trying to do better.