a very gloomy start to the day. its 8am now and i had to turn a light on just to see what am doing. at least i was not up at 430 am again. it has been raining off and on all night. we are supposed to get rain all day today , tomorrow and tues. i wont be putting out laundry like i wanted today.
i better head down to the freezer and find something for dinner. i am feeling better than yesterday right this minute, but an hour from now who knows. i know brent likes the big dinners with meat and potatoes. i cant be bothered. i think men like those big dinners because they dont have to cook everyday. they dont have to plan and organize dinners. believe me if i could i would order in for him. least my kitchen would stay reasonably clean. for me right now to make dinner and use pots and pans and then have to do clean up takes so much energy. just the thought of it makes my brain hurt. how do i explain to someone just the thought of cooking makes me want to run away. i am not even sure how much canning i will be doing this year. we should probably use up what i have canned last year.
i want to do some art today being as its so dull and i wont be going outside. i miss doing crafts with the grandkids. it was so much fun. i like to think they had fun too. wonder if they remember making things with me. its been a year since i last saw them. i try and not think of them too much as it hurts too much.
brent keeps asking if i am ok. somedays i want to scream no i am not ok. my kids dont talk to me , i dont see my grandkids and i dont know if i ever will again. i have no family to speak of now and no friends. no one to go have coffee with. no one who would even care if i lived or died. lets put it this way if i know i am going to die i better clear out the house first. i dont want some government people coming in and wondering what the hell was wrong with me.
maybe i have too many books.maybe i have too many tea cups. maybe i have too much yarn. maybe i have too many projects on the go. the way i look at it is that these things wont reject me like people do. i am so tired of pretending to be happy all the time.
i have been getting rid of things. one bag at a time. its hard as its like getting rid of a piece of a wall that has been protecting me from things that might hurt me.
this entry is getting pretty heavy time for a break....be back later....
ok back now and the sun is out. go figure. we were supposed to have thunderstorms today. instead we get sun.
brent has gone fishing so i will finish this and then go feed the birds.brent saw one of the surprise babies. nothing he can do about them now. he cant yell at me for it when he didnt even take any eggs when he was supposed to be cleaning the aviary. all he did was lay new paper over the old. what a huge mess to clean up.
it is going to be very warm tomorrow so i have to do the aviary early. then will try and stay cool. its going to be a 37 humidex.
we had dinner and i napped for a bit. i wanted to do something but ran out of steam. least i was not sick.
i am going to try and get some knitting done tonight. it will be too hot tomorrow. there is no where i need to be tomorrow so may just stay upstairs for a while after my shower.
gonna close here for now...see you all tomorrow....