Another day another day of chores. life is what it is today. today i must make more muffins and dinner , work on dishes, and if i am not too dizzy sweep the steps going upstairs. i miss work...but not the politics of the office. will see what happens if and when i go back. its too cold to hang out the laundry so all the socks are on the drying rack. why dont i put them in the dryer you ask. well they are handknit so no...they dont go in the dryer..they will shrink.
i am not sure how many pairs of socks i have knit since i have met brent. maybe i will count some day. but it amazes me when i hang out all the socks and i know i have knit everyone of them. i have been able to knit some socks since being home on med leave. holding the needles very close to my face i can more or less see. i save some time in the day to work on my art, only about an hour but its better than nothing. the light is good in my office at that time of day . with my vision the way it is good light is a bonus.
though i work on several projects at once, it keeps my mind active. solving the creative problems of how and finding what i need etc. i am also working on getting rid of stuff...hard for me as i love my books. but if i am not going to read them again why keep them i guess. and i dont want brent having to deal with all of my stuff when i die. so slowly bag by bag i am filling them up. only to leave them in the hallway to be donated when the pandemic is over.
while going through books and papers i found some old hand written journals. i wrote them so i could remember what my ex did to me. so i would not to want to ever go back. i am sure alot of people would not believe me when i tell them what was happening. so i write again so my kids may or may not read this so they may or may not understand what was happening to me when they where young. i have no words to try and explain how broken i am. how much fear was in my life. i can only try and move forward one step at a time and hope someday you might forgive me.
i have thought about leaving life behind and ending this. but in the end i couldnt. no matter how much i asked for help or explained that what i was going through was hurting me on the inside,,,,people would say you dont look abused.....