another monday. well at least the weekend is over. today i have lots to do as well as the usual stuff. so will be busy . when i am sitting here and looking at a blank screen i have a hard time thinking of things to write , but when i am half asleep in bed my mind races with all the things i could write and then when i get up i forget it all.
my brain does not work as well as it used to. fibro affects your memory and there is something else that happens...brain fog. its when you get seem to get your brain to focus on anything and you cant remember anything. i have light moments like that but not whole days. i forget lots ...like what things i wanted to get done during the day. then i walk through the house at night and think oh yeh i wanted to do this or that. time to start a list for chores i think. i have a list for shopping that i manage to remember, thank goodness....
about a yr ago i bought some supplies to try quilling. i thought it would be something i could do based on how i was feeling. i got some practice pictures and paper from one company. but they didnt sell the tools. so i had to find someone else who did. finally after several tries i finally have it all together. so yesterday i sat down in my office and tried it. it was intimidating at first but got the hang of it. will have to get more coloured paper as you go through a lot and i didnt know that.
will see if i can get some at staples or micheals when they reopen.
my kids did not call yesterday. i didnt have any hight expectations so no high disappointments. brent made dinner. which was nice but didnt want. told him not to do anything ....no flowers no presents no nothing. we didnt even do christmas last year. seems we are letting holidays pass with out much fanfare. when someone turns your life upside down you just dont want to do anything. i feel like i am sitting on a fence not knowing which side to fall on. this all started over a year ago and no one has told us what is going on.
i am tired and sad and i dont think anyone would notice if i died. maybe the cats....they would run out of food. but the few friends i thought i had dont talk to me anymore , no idea why. seems i work and work on things like the house and things to pass on to the grand kids but will they even get them. would my kids even care to pass them on from their grandmother. the sadness feels like a huge weight on me that i cant seem to lift. i sometimes feel like i did this to myself, with my choices and lack of understanding. but so far all my kids have done is ask for money and stuff and when i need something simple done like change a light fixture or some such thing all i get is i dont have time. well my time is getting shorter how much shorter i dont know. but what i do know is i dont want to be found 6 months later in my house when police have to break in to do a wellness check and find me dead some where. i am tired...oh so tired of trying to keep it together and pretending all is well , when with in me i am broken into a million little pieces and no idea where the glue is.....