brent would have been 65 this year. a big birthday. i will be 60. another big change. i will be alone for my birthday. i would imagine brents ashes will be with me . i might make my own cake or just buy one. most likely i will be working like always. i really wanted to make this birthday special for him. my dad died at 57. so making it this far for me is great.
i am not loosing weight right now. seems when i am really sad i eat. been trying not to but i am alone so much and have no accountability to anyone so i eat. i have to stop. work will do that. i will have no time to eat there.
its clear and cold today. a week ago was my last day with brent. the last day in which we had a conversation , the last day i took care of him and he knew i loved him. the last time he was lucid with me. for the next morning he was gone. i dont regret taking the time off to look after him. i wish i could have done more for him.
i have to go for a covid test today. i dont want to go back to the hospital. too many reminders right now. but i have to , i need to go back to work soon. i have to pay bills now with no help.
my grandmother was widowed twice. i wish i could ask her how she got through it. how she was able to live each day alone.
i have to clean the aviary, i have been putting it off as i just dont feel up to it, but its sat and i wont be getting any calls and i dont have any appts. so i might as well get it done.
i have not heard from my kids since brent died. so i guess i cant count on them for any help with anything.
for the first time in many years i want a drink. i never had a drinking problem ever. if anything i avoided it. right now i just want one i dont know why. i cant though with the meds i am on it would not be a good idea.
i cant seem to get it together. i am loosing tools and supplies and i lost my last shopping list.
i spoke to one of brents friends last night. i was really nice talking to him again after so long. we agreed to get together for coffee and homemade muffins. not sure when but it will be nice. i was hoping to chat with someone today online but i guess people are busy with their own lives...life does go on when someone dies.....