katelovesorange

its been a very long and lonely week. even when brent was in the house someplace i didnt feel alone. i dont like coming home anymore. i miss him yelling out welcome home honey. i miss him. the house feels so cold and lonely. its like when he left so did all the warmth and love. i feel like i am just here and it means nothing.

i found out from the bank today that brent had refused the insurance that would have paid for the house if one of us died. so now what .... i figure if i sell the house and move to an apt i would be paying the same as what i pay here in bills. i will stay here as long as i can and see what happens. i get some money from the life insurance and will roll that into the mortgage.

i had a phone appt with my dr yesterday. i got my pain meds increased and she put up a fight on that one. i have never given her any cause to think i am abusing my pain meds at all. yet she is of little help when i request an adjustment.

i gave away some of brents shirts to a friend who has been helping me with snowblowing the sidewalks etc. his wife says he can use some of them so thats good.

a neighbour from down the street whom i rarely talk to, brought a mini rose plant by and a nice card. very thoughtful of her. work sent flowers today. i was not expecting that at all. the only person who gave me flowers was brent and that wont be happening anymore. he would bring home flowers for no reason other than he loved me. i would keep his flowers forever, everytime i looked at the sad little things it would remind me how much he loves me.

i find nighttime very hard. its the time of day when we would have dinner and relax for a bit. now its just me and i am looking over at his empty chair. i dont want anyone else in the chair yet i miss someone to chat with. i am not sleeping well. i have not moved any of the pillows i had set up for brent when he needed to sit up in bed. the pillows just sit there waiting for him to come back. i know sooner or later i will have to move them and change the bed. i know that once i move them the dent he left in those pillows will be gone and that is the hard part. i was never very good at sleeping alone. i miss reaching out and holding his hand in the night. i wake up alot. maybe going back to work might be a good thing. least i would be tired and sleep. i have no reason to be home anymore. no worries about cooking or cleaning, laundry. i just have to keep the creatures fed and watered. i think the cats have noticed brent is gone. they follow me everywhere and have started to sleep on the bed again.

i go around the house and i am starting to get rid of things. its hard. i know i can pass on some yarn to a friend. i am working on going downstairs and filling up a bag for her. i have enough yarn for a few projects and dont think i need more than that right now. i have a few projects to finish and then gift. so i guess that is on my to do list for tomorrow.

so who have i got to chat with really....no one. i chat here. i unload here. no one i barely know wants to hear how i feel. aquaintence say call me if you need anything. well what i need is someone to come and help me bring 50lb bags of feed in. someone to mow the lawn in the summer. someone who will bring brents things to thrift shop because i dont think i could right now. work keeps saying if i need anything just call. i have no idea what to ask for. what are they offering? i have no clue. they never said. i am off work another week. so at the beginning of feb i will be back to work and have to work through my first special day without brent.

i have to make a card to send out. i really need to edit the cards traded. i just forget, and right now i have alot of foggy moments. i just wonder how foggy i will be at work.....