its stupid oclock. i am sort of awake and its dam cold out. the furnace has not shut off in a long time. will be leaving it on for the day as its very cold out this morning. i got an ok sleep but i am still in alot of pain from working 6 days in a row , 3 of which i worked sleep deprived. cleaning up cat barf is not my idea of fun at 430am. but when you have creatures you do what you must. make sure they are clean and fed and watered.

i have to work today but at least i have tomorrow off. being as i did shopping on tuesday i wont have to go tomorrow. i will try and get some chores done early today as i know i will be tired by the end of the work day.

i finished a card last night to give with out a trade. RAK , random act of kindness. this lady sent me alot of extras and really made the effort to admire my work and said how much she would love something done on one of the extra back rounds. she likes bugs so i stitched a bug for her on one of the cards she sent. i put a back on it and will hopfully get it in the mail tomorrow.

time to get ready for work....be back later.

brent had a drs appt this morning. the dr basicly said he has cancer. they are going to do a biopsy in 2 weeks. seems far away but nothing we can do. he is very scared. i dont blame him i was scared when i lost my vision. i knew i would not die however. he is preparing for end of life. i dont know what to think. i am still trying to figure out what else the dr might have said. not sure if i will ever find that out. brent thinks he does not need anyone to look after him now. well he is wrong about that one. the job will fall to me.

i may seem cold about this but i am not. i see so much illness everyday i have learned to distance myself from it. i have to .so this illness will be very personal. i dont know if he will be able to get better or not. if this will be our last christmas. which makes me even more sad as we decided not to put up at tree because i am working and we would not see the kids anyhow. i would have loved to at least make this xmas nice for him. i am not sure how i will be able to cope with work and trying to get through the day. i know this will seem cold but i wonder how i will pay the bills when brent can no longer work. how will i survive? i know i am not the first person to loose a husband but its the first time for me. from now on i am basicly on my own again. he does not want me to call his mother or brother. i want to do what he wants but i think his mother should know when he dies. he does not want a funeral , nothing in the paper, not even sure if he wants to be buried. guess i should ask him that.

i am very tired and sad , i am going to close here for now.