its wed and stupid oclock. and of course its snowing. so that means i leave the house sooner. the last few days with how tired i have been and in so much pain i have not had the energy to do anything. barely make it to bed. i get to bed and i dont remember much after that. this weekend i am working which means i wont get enough sleep. i will be sleep deprived for an entire week or more. which means my pain levels go up because i dont get enough sleep.
brent wants dinner tonight and he wanted me to go to the grocery store to buy him pop. i says i just bought you some on sat. i was not planning on going again this week. drink water.
i traded a card yesterday but dont have the energy to make another right now. if i was to try and make something right now it would look like crap. i dont want to send out art work that is not my best. so i am not trying very hard to trade right now. as much as i like doing it making new cards takes alot of effort and energy which i dont have much of after work.
much later after work....this morning was not a great start at 430. one of the cats puked on the table . so i was taking the table cloth off and washing down the table while still half asleep. not the greatest start to the day. i also think they where chasing a mouse. where it got to i have no idea.
work was long and hot. i didnt wear the gowns. i was afraid of fainting. i get so hot and the clients keep their rooms too hot and i feel like i am gonna pass out. so i didnt wear the gown. i did put on the mask and gloves. its my weekend to work, so its going to be a long week coming up.
i feel like death warmed over and brent wants dinner. i can make dinner and do chores and and and. while he does one thing at a time and he thinks he has done something great. sigh. i feel all empty inside like i have been all used up. i have nothing left to give, i give it all at work. i put on a pretend smile and pretend i am ok. its so exhausting doing that.
i have chores to get done today as well as dinner. once my show is over i will have to start. all i want to do is sleep right now. i would love to have my office back so i can make cards and brent not say something about all my supplies and tools around my chair. i was working in the sunroom but its too cold in there now. so i am inside for the winter. i brought in all the plants. least i remembered those. last winter i forgot about the plants until it was too late. they all froze.
i dont have any friends to speak of anymore. i often wonder why that does not bother me more. i have been hurt one too many times i guess to care. i have a pen pal and we chat by mail and i am ok with that. i send out trading cards and i am ok with that. no face to face needed and no fake smiles needed. as an empath i am happy to be alone most of the day. i spent so much time alone when my ex was gone a major part of the year. i kept myself busy with things around the house, and later on the kids. sometimes i really miss my alone time. i never get that now with brent working from home. he never goes out.
much later. dinner is made and tea is on. i eat before brent. he will have his dinner in about an hour. then i can relax and maybe paint and not fall asleep. i am tired but not as bad as yesterday. i got about 9 hours of sleep last night so did pretty good. i get to sleep in tomorrow but i bet i will be wide awake at 430am.
as christmas gets closer i get even more sad as i know i wont get to see the grandkids. i have not talked to them in months. i miss them so much. i wonder if them miss me?
i am going to feed the rabbit and make my tea. see you all tomorrow...