today it is overcast , cold and its snowing. a reflection of my mood...sad and cloudy. i am still in shock and feel terribly alone.
i posted on facebook that brent had died. i got lots of responses. i guess what i was looking for was someone to talk to but in this time of lockdown that is not going to happen.
i was putting some clothes away and was thinking i was glad i dressed up and looked nice for brent on sat. i showered early and did my hair. and made sure i wore something he might like. he always called me his pretty girl. i never really got used to it, i never thought of myself as pretty. i still loved to hear it.
i am waiting for the company to come by and pick up some equipment. its really hard picking up and putting things away that i was using to look after brent. like the tray i was using to bring him food and drinks and his meds. i put that away and thought i wont need this now.
i washed up some of his pajama pants and t shirts. now i dont know what to do with them. seems pointless to put them away. i started a donation bag. when the lockdown is over i will start to donate his clothes. i found a few shirts in the bathroom i bagged up. i started to clean out brents cupboard in the bathroom. got rid of some old stuff and expired stuff. about all i can handle for today.
got some small jobs done. fed the birds and cleaned the rabbit cage. i also started to give the rabbit a good brush before he decided that was enough and left. i changed the teacup display, and how appropriate that the cups are all blue. really suits my mood right now. i got rid of a few things around brents chair. his old tobacco can and jar. i will mop behind his chair when i fill the bucket again. i wiped down his table and washed his lamp. i need a new light bulb for it.
i need to get another card ready to send. she wants a blind trade. i managed to take a picture of a new card i did a couple of weeks ago. i figured out how to take it and send it. so one point for me. i am not sure if i will ever figure out the web cams, i am sure brent wants me too right now. one thing at a time honey.
his brother andy phoned me today, just to check in and get more information on what i am going to do with his ashes. i am not sure yet either. i dont think there will be much in the way of ashes. brent lost alot of weight before he died.
brents friend blake messaged me today to check in. i will ask him if he wants some of brents AA books. not like i need them.
i dont think i can ever go through this again. there fore i will live alone from now on, well with the cats and birds and rabbit. non of which will out live me but right now it gives me a reason to get up in the morning.i have to look after all of them. i have a bag of feed in the car. they are 50lbs each. i am thinking i cant carry that to the door. so i cut the bag open and i am filling coffee cans and bringing it in that way. sooner or later the bag will be light enough for me to carry in.
its supper time now. the hardest time of the day. i wonder around not really doing anything. its almost dark and all i want to do is go to bed and hide there until tomorrow and hope this is only a nightmare.....