well things have gone from crappy to really crappy.....brent is in the hospital. he took a cab on sunday night and thought he would be home in a couple of hours. he was admitted. they have done blood work and scans and what ever else. we know now he does not have a clot on his lung. good news. bad news what ever he is dealing with is due to his suspected cancer in his lymph nodes. he says he will be home in a couple of days. i am not so sure. but we shall see. his breathing is still bad. he is on oxygen and a bunch of IV stuff.
christmas sucks. i just want it over with. people keep asking me if i am ready. i say i am not doing xmas cause i have to work , they dont know what to say after that and stop asking me. i am so sad and depressed i just dont care anymore about anything. i am only moving forward because i have creatures to care for. right now i am preparing to live alone again. i dont know what my future holds but right now life just sucks.
i wish i could take a leave of absence from work. i need the rest to care for brent and do the extra work around the house. but the bills have to be paid somehow. maybe its good i am being forced to leave the house. but i am sure my clients are wondering what is wrong with me. i am not talking, or speaking only when i need too. i dont want to talk at all to anyone.
the house is too quiet and bed too empty and i am too alone too much. its starting to hit me as i randomly cry. the grieving over things remembered and things not done and dreams not met.
the dark covers my crying in the morning as i go to work. it does not cover the hurt and lonliness. when you begin to love someone you take that chance. when you love someone late in life its even a bigger chance and health issues come faster.
back from work now. i talked to brent a few times and the dr has not made rounds yet. so we have no idea what is going on today. work was rough and i am glad to be home. i stopped and got some stamps and will have a card to mail out later.
i started up the crockpot making pineapple chicken. it will be ready for tomorrow. i will have rice and stirfry veg with it. i dont know if brent will be home any time soon if at all.
i am going to try and get floors washed and dishes done before i go see him tonight. i think i have enough change for parking. so far no updates from the dr. would be nice to know what is going on.
i got lots of mail yesterday, 7 happy mail. 1 card was breathtakenly beautiful. i have to send something back as the card i send is no where near worth the trade. mine looks so cheap compared to hers. i am going to find some ornaments to send to her. i know they wont arrive in time for xmas, but maybe for next year she can use them.
i think working on my art is what is keeping me from falling apart right now. something to micro focus on for abit and keep out the real world for a few minutes.
i am going to post this before i go...so i wont forget.