Photography Saved My Mental Health
So, I’ve been a deep, dark depression for over a year. I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I isolated, I didn’t eat, I barely left my room, I was happily sauntering down the knobby road of self destruction.
My psychiatrist was desperately trying to break my depression, changing medications each appointment. He was trying to give me a floor to stand on in order to get better, considering I was really far down into the pit. My therapist got frustrated with me. I’d just not go to appointments without calling, didn’t answer her calls, turned off my phone and ruminated on everything I’ve done wrong in a swiftly darkening room.
She stayed with me. My therapist is amazing after all I put her through. My psychiatrist came upon a medication that actually worked a little bit. Lamictal. I’d been on it before, but couldn’t remember if it was effective or not. But it worked. Well enough for me to stop isolating and ruminating all the time.
I got out of my room. I saw birds and felt sunshine. It was wonderful. I was a human once and I’m struggling to get back there. But I started to feel human, just a little bit. I’d say Lamictal works on me. Not to disregard all the hard work I did on trying to change myself. My therapist went from frustrated to proud. I felt pretty good.
I’ve always loved photography. I took a class on it in high school. For two years. We had to do everything manually. Loading the film into the camera in complete darkness, dredging the film in chemicals to expose the negatives, hanging the film to dry. It was all hands on, especially making photographs from the film.
That was a long time ago, another life, that one clean and unburdened by the world. He had a future. A future I fucked up.
I’m supposed to challenge the negative. Guess I’m not doing so well. Oh god, I remember the red light of the darkroom, the eerie world we moved through. We would put our favorite albums into a cheap stereo and make everyone listen to our god awful taste in music. I loved putting on Moby to annoy everyone. I laughed.
I remember I had just bought David Bowie’s latest album. It was Earthling, just to date myself. The last time I’d visit the darkroom was the first time I’d hear that album. We toiled away in the darkroom, slopping chemicals and throwing out failed exposures, all to Bowie’s “I’m Afraid of Americans”.
I miss it. I was happy then.
Since my depression was lifting, I surprisingly got back into photography. Not writing, which is my passion. Nope. I was snapping pictures. And having a wonderful time doing it. I found my hobby. Something to do to eat up the hours of the day. Except I really enjoyed taking pictures, even if it was with my iPhone.
So I’m going to share what’s been making me happy. I’ve even entered contests and have won! Twice! So I might be kinda good. Or lucky. Doesn’t matter, I just enjoy it.
Here are my photos. I’m sharing what’s dragged me out of a deep, deep, depression. I hope this mood lasts.
Because I feel human again.
I’ve been going to my favorite park everyday. It’s beautiful. Here are some photos from the park:
I also caught some pretty sunrises in my city.
And just because I’m so excited about winning two contests, here are the two photos that lifted my mood to Pluto.
Both of these were taken in Denmark. I was told the roses bloom only in a small sliver of time. I was lucky enough to have caught them in full bloom.
The house really struck me. It was the only building in that area, surrounded by rocks and the ocean. I was at the northern tip of Denmark in a town named Skagen. It is a small fishing town right on the ocean. I was just dumbstruck by how everything around me was so…lonely. The place oozed loneliness. And for some reason, it was comforting.
If you read this far, thank you. I haven’t written anything in about a year. It means a lot to me that you read this far. Thank you.
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