Get to know me
I always find the first post the most challenging. I have a lot to say and no idea where or how to start.
So please bear with me while I try to dig deep into my memory and start releasing what I've been hiding for the past 3 years.
I guess I'll begin with who I am. I have chosen to keep this blog anonymous because I'm not entirely sure how comfortable I am sharing these memories and thoughts about the most difficult part of my life with everyone. I have been keeping them to myself for a while. Too long if I may say. It's beginning to feel like a burden I'm carrying, or a secret compartment inside of me that no one else knows about and it's been weighing me down immensely. Somehow I feel like people don't want to hear about my story, or that it is somehow shameful and not something to share with the world. So eventually, I find myself withdrawing from everyone around me, unable to have any meaningful conversations, always feeling disconnected and just not me. Like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. This person I was 3 years ago, totally ignoring that major change that has struck me and changed who I am from the core. All because I feel it's too scary for people to hear or maybe comprehend.
Until this day, I believe if you have not lived it, you can not understand it, Which is why I can't blame anyone for not understanding. It's not something you read about and just get. It's something you feel deep down and it changes you, forever.
Not necessarily in a bad way. But you just become different. You've felt too much, you've discovered parts of you and emotions and feelings you never knew existed inside of you. And now that you've been there, you can never go back.
This is why I'm here.
I've been struggling keeping all of this to myself. Feeling uncomfortable sharing these deep emotions that you just don't share with people you know. So you end up going out and engaging in small talk and going home feeling disconnected and alone.
Such a horrible feeling. Even with family. It's like what's happened is now locked in a vault and can never be opened again. I truly feel the discomfort in people's eyes when the mere subject is brought up. So I end up refraining from the topic all together.
I'm here today, and hopefully staying for a while, to share all these things I felt I wasn't supposed to or wasn't welcomed to these past few years.
I am here because I don't want to feel alone in my journey anymore. I'm also here because I always believe if I have been through this. I can't possibly be the only one. Maybe I can support anyone who is currently going through it, or maybe I find the support I couldn't find before.
Finally, I'm here to put all of this behind me and start looking forward to a brighter future.
So I guess you could say I'm here for closure.