Journaling about life and mental health for whoever wants to relate or talk

Let me feel what I want

Story of a lost lover:

You say you never wanted to hurt, and then made me catch feeling just for you to run away, and then come back when you felt it. You said you wanted to protect me from you and that you would end up hurting me but I never thought you would be malicious with it. Playing games, leaving and coming back, choosing when you are enough for me and when you are not, without listening to what I had to say. Why did you have to put words in my mouth and not listen to what I said? Was I not clear enough with my feelings? Was I not clear enough with my words? Why did you have to choose what I was feeling instead of just listening? I tried to be healthy, and you decided to be the opposite, loosing something that could have been great for both of us!

Story of a love declaration:

You said you liked me, but proceeded to tell me you wanted nothing. You said you liked me, but when I told you I just wanted a friend, you decided to tell me you could make me falling in love with you. You were maybe trying to make me feel special, but you just made me feel like I was a stupid challenge for you and you getting me meant more than listening to what I wanted. Why couldn't you just listen and tell me that our friendship meant more? Am I just a game, a conquest?

Story of a messed up friendship:

I asked you if you were fine and you got mad at me, and then decided we were fine without talking. Getting mad was not the problem, but discussions don't end by avoiding them, if there was a fight, we need to resolve it not act like it never happened. Now you live in this conviction that we are okay, but I cannot trust you enough to have a conversation with you about what I feel, or what I am scared for about our friendship, because I am scared of pissing you off. And I just stay there playing your game, keeping everything inside, and loosing trust in our friendship, and you don't even see it. Why couldn't you just talk to me about it? Why couldn't you just acknowledge that I maybe also had unresolved feelings about it? Am I that unimportant in our friendship for you to see it?

Story of a difficult supporting friendship:

We talk every day, and everyday I become more silent about my issues and listen more and more to yours. I know you care about me, but why can't you see that when I don't come to class because I can't stand straight I do not have the energy to read about all your texts about your problems and answer to them all day? Why can't you see that when a guy I really cared about just broke up with me the night before, I do not want to listen to you about how amazing your date went that day? Why can't you see that for however much I want to be there for you, sometimes I have issues too and need to focus on myself and not on you? I know you care, but sometimes I feel like you don't see me, that I am there for you, while I am standing in front of you, dying inside and you won't even realise. Am I that good at hiding my pain, or are you this clueless?

Why did I wrote this stories, because sometimes, I just feel like people that are around me do not really see me, or care about me. They say they do, but their actions speak louder. I am a people pleasure, and I am loyal to the core, so when I love someone, whether it's friendship, family or something more, I will stick around, be there for them, and do whatever I can so that they feel supported, loved and not lonely, but most of the time I am the one ending up feeling lonely and used and unseen. I think partly it is my fault, I still do fake a lot how I feel, to not worry people, but I also know that I am not that great of an actor. So is it all in my head, or some people really don't care as much as they say about me, and care more about what they can get from me?

I had been holding this in for a while, hopefully if someone feels the same, they will at least be able to relate, stay strong and try to focus more on the people in your life that do see you, instead of those that just drain your batteries.

Lots of love,

Maybe I don't have a soul