Journaling about life and mental health for whoever wants to relate or talk

Smile and put on a happy face

The joker once said this sentence “smile and put on a happy face”. I think I miss being a kid and not really knowing what this means. When I saw the Joker movie in 2020, I was in a pretty bad phase of my depression and I remember just hearing this sentence eco in my head for the rest of the movie and for the few days after, and sometimes this eco comes back. This responsibility, this duty to seem happy even when we are not. Happy is the standard. If someone is not happy, there is a problem, and people start thinking that they are somehow ungrateful. “Why are you not happy, you know how many people wish they would have what you have”, they say. But how can I explain to them that I am not happy, because even though I am blessed I still face a lot of challenges. When I try to explain it, they will tell me: “It's not a big deal”, “Why are you so negative” and so on. And I just wanna shout “BECAUSE IT MATTER TO ME, AND IT HURTS ME”, instead I shut up, nod, smile and say “You're right I was worrying for nothing” and return to my silence. The fact is that this world is so focused on seeing things so black and white, that if it is not a matter of life and death, or at least from the common point of view, it is nothing important. But for me, when something bothers me enough to feel bad and not just numb it is a matter of life and death, and having to smile and put on a happy face just worsens everything. I would like to express myself, express my sadness as much as I express my happiness, express my indifference as much as I express my enthusiasm, express my numbness as much as I express my energy; I am instead left here with this mask, this smile and no one sees my tears. I wish it was different but it's not... so I smile and put on a happy face.

Lots of love,

Maybe I don't have a soul, but I have a smile on my face