CXI F0

“a bubble-less crush”

11.25.2024

(JL '21)

Maybe I will read this text file again in a couple days; maybe I will read it again after a few years. If one day you became someone very different, I hope you can look back at these paragraphs and be grateful for this past. I am really grateful to have her right now. Please don't forget about her.

If you happened to be someone that isn't myself, then here's a window for you to look into me and know this part of my life. Maybe I am still alive and sent you these to read through, maybe I have left this cage for the next time-line, maybe we did end up spending the rest of our lives.... Look into this love of mine, embrace it, but don't mourn for it.

In this moment, I am writing for no audience. I am writing to not forget.

This morning you woke up at 8, and I was sound asleep. You sent me the message 2 hours later, and I was still sound asleep. I woke up at 13, looking for a message of “good morning!! I miss you!!” yet what I found was something a bit different.

You are not to be blamed for it. I know that you do truly love me in your heart and I will always appreciate that. I want to always be able to love you too. I wish one day I can make you feel safe, comfortable and confident that you are prepared to go into a relationship, and I wish that person who gets to experience it will still be me.

It did feel a little weird to read that and not cry on spot. I thought I would've cried right there as I read through the short paragraph, yet I was wrong. It hit me very slowly. It was when you were taking a nap that I realized there isn't a person right now to accompany me; It was when you were taking a nap that I realized there isn't a person right now to accompany you. Is this to be the “power of love”? It is indeed a drug of some kind.

I think we both did really well in being strong and being kind to each other. I know that saying them to me is a hard thing for you to do too and there is no point in blaming you more after you break your own heart. I still want to be able to care for you and love you – and it seems like you would “secretly” want the same too. I want to be patient with you and wait for you to return, if you do decide to return one day. Love is patience, and i want to give you a lot of it.

I will still love you in a different tomorrow,

My heart stings. I hate this feeling. It's not her fault! It's okay to “not feel up to it”. Don't make it too hard for her. But I miss her so much! I hate feelings, but these are the same thing “happiness” is categorized into. A chance for absolute happiness comes with a chance for absolute heartbreak, is it a worthy trade? Do I not know? Do I not want to know? Do I fear knowing it? Do you feel the same?

May I still love you? HYPOCRITE! I am a fool! But I want to be your fool at least. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE IT! I WANT TO SAVE THIS! But you always say only you can save yourself. It's a powerless feeling, but oh

what did I wrote down only to be replaced by backspaces again?

Am I trying to save her? Am I trying to save us? Am I trying to save myself? Are you confused? Are you being destabilized? Are we fooled, by people or by ourselves? Are we blessed, or cursed by Nyx? Are we able to understand us? Are we able to communicate? Am I able to pull you out of the spiral of trauma? Are you able to pull us out of your spiral of trauma? Are you falling apart? Am I able to stay strong? Is it cursed, by a summer endless again? Is it my curse of infinite timelines, or is it what makes this one unique?

Am I also trapped in a spiral, but have never been able to see it? Am I also trapped in a spiral, but never tried to look for it? Am I asking questions, or stating what I already know with fear?

Is it too late to understand? Am I the island without melancholy nor flowers? Am I honest to myself?

I NEED TO BE STRONG MAYBE SHE IS JUST CONFUSED BUT HOW CAN I BE STRONG WITH A BROKEN HEART ORIGINATED FROM THE SAME CAUSE

She said she will be with me and watch over me while I grow. I want to grow. For her, but also for myself