Going backward
After spending 4 days rotting in bed and reading fanfics on AO3, I realized I have been going “backward” all this year. Can't say I dislike it, though.
By “backward” I mean I spent all of 2024 spending money, time, and energy to the things that I found unimpressive when I was in high school and college—a Kpop group, webtoons, and fanfics. And I’m absolutely sure that my teenage self would look at 32-year-old me with the tiniest bit of judgement.
(God, now I'm feeling anxious. What if I made derisive comments towards people who liked these things back then? Knowing how I impulsively say things out loud most times, I feel truly sorry!)
Anyway, I like to think that I’ve also learned (or at least started to learn) to stop caring about what others might say. After spending the past few years (and failing) to find things that would spark any interest or motivation in me, I’m just thankful that my newfound obsessions have at least given me things to look forward to. Because without them (and my close friends can attest I’m not exaggerating here) I wouldn’t even be here to see another year.
My social media pages are proof that a particular Kpop group (it's EXO) was the reason I looked forward to each month. Yeah, all the measly money I earned from freelance writing all year was spent on albums, merch, and concert tickets. Stupid, I know. But looking forward to their music and live performances gave me the literal will to live all year.
Members of this group have been working on their solo careers all year. As a result, I have concerts to look forward to in April, June, August, October, and November. I think it’s funny that the active members kept coming here in alternating months, as if telling me I can’t “self-exit” (a term I learned from watching Rotten Mango videos) yet because another concert’s happening the month after the next one.
I wouldn’t go as far as saying that all this happened because the stars aligned for me—that would be a stretch. But I have to say, given how I was grasping at straws, the timing of it all was a bit amusing.
The months in between their concert dates—when nothing I’m interested in was happening—were brutal. It felt like the dark thoughts were just lying in wait. I would be pumped with serotonin for weeks after a concert, then the dark thoughts would take over, then I’d be all smiles again after a month.
Now that I think about it, the pattern has been exhausting. I can’t even fully ride the fleeting joy from the concerts I’ve attended, when I know well that I would be back to bed rotting, curtains drawn, and not showering for days on end after a few weeks.
To be clear, I didn’t loathe Kpop before. I grew up listening to 2nd gen music. I was a casual listener at best. I knew the group names, but I didn’t spend time burning CDs with their songs in it. I only did that for rock/punk bands. While I didn’t loathe Kpop, I was also hesitant to fully like it back then because I was afraid of how my “friends” would look at me then. Is that because I’m an unsalvageable people-pleaser? Maybe.
Unfortunately, I spent almost all of my teenage years surrounded by people who firmly believe they’re sophisticated and, therefore, shouldn’t like what the masses like whether it’s music, reading materials, and films. I was already the unattractive one in our friend group and the one who didn't have a huge house or a family car. I didn’t want to give them more reasons to look down on me.
Don’t get me wrong. I genuinely liked all the songs I’ve listened to, books I’ve read, and movies I’ve watched back then. It’s just that I’ve also actively avoided liking other things in fear of how my friends back then would see me.
It’s the same for fanfics and manhwas. I have actively avoided them in favor of “real novels” (god, I was such as stuck-up snob). Mangas and animes were different, though, because they have been much more popular here for far longer. I've always known it was “okay” to like them. But this year, I started getting obsessed with fanfics and manhwas while still enjoying classic novels and contemporary Asian and Latin American literature.
I still like classical music. I still listen to 2000s emo bands, 90s grunge and rock bands, The Beatles, Queen, and more. But I also like Kpop now, ESPECIALLY EXO.
So it's possible, huh? Wish I knew it was okay to truly like and gush over completely different things and different genres of things. Maybe I would have been a happier kid and a less socially anxious adult now.
As I'm writing this, I realized that I have a new internal struggle, though.
The fact that I'm a 32-year-old, basically unemployed adult, grappling with at least two diagnosed mental health issues screaming at Kpop concerts, squealing and crying over webtoons and fanfics. Is that even okay or “normal”?
I'm going “backward” and liking it but I also can't shake the pervasive question, “At this age, is it really okay for me to be doing all this?”
Oh, the fucking irony.