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Biden Loses New Hampshire Primary to “John Smith” Write-In Candidate

In yesterday's New Hampshire Democratic Primary, “John Smith” won. Who is “John Smith”? No one is quite sure. President Joe Biden was not on the ballot due to a disagreement with the Democratic National Committee over the ability to read a calendar and settle disputes like, you know, normal people. However, the Democratic ballot was not empty. There are a diverse set of candidates in New Hampshire politics running for president, and they discussed their political views at the Lesser-Known Candidates Forum at St. Anselm College in a prime-time broadcast to a rapt audience on C-SPAN. Despite the plethora of candidate options, activist voters chose not to write-in “Joe Biden” but instead wrote in “John Smith”. The problem is that there is no specific candidate identified as “John Smith”. However, “John Smith” clinched the victory with an astonishing 64%. The New Hampshire Secretary of State started a state-wide search for “John Smith”. As of this morning, more than twenty citizens named “John Smith” were found, though none accepted or appreciated their win. Paperboy Love Prince, one of the lesser-known candidates, expressed his love for all “John Smiths”. Vermin Supreme, another lesser-known candidate, described “John Smith” an existential threat to democracy that must be destroyed by the Inter-dimensional Strategic Space Force Command immediately. The Committee to Elect John Smith was established immediately after John Smith's victory. The committee chair, Jane Doe, announced the collection of more than $23M in campaign funds so far and that the search for an electable John Smith is underway.