News summaries from across the multiverse.

Dog Park Closure Linked to City Hall Corruption

After more than 50 dogs have mysteriously gone missing from the Gladys Maria Shrine Memorial Dog Park in Cleveland, the parks department, under the direction of city hall leadership, closed the park permanently. Owners of the missing pooches have filed complaints with the city to stop the closure. They believe that their doggies are still alive and roaming the dog park. The dogs are not visible, or exist in a different dimension. Even though the park is empty now, the missing can still be heard playing there. The Cleveland Police and several scientists, religious leaders, and even Cesar Millan have not been able to return the dogs or even explain their disappearance or non-existence. Several dog owners had GPS trackers on their dogs, which still show their dogs inside the dog park fence. Cleveland City Hall insiders report that local mob boss Rudy “Lead Pipe” Castellano made a deal with the city to purchase the dog park property for a below-market price and turn it into a never-ending construction site to launder money and as a final resting place for enemies of the crime family. Apparently, Mr. Castellano believes that any property where dogs “disappear” but can't be found is a good place to “disappear” people without leaving behind bodies where someone could be charged with murder. The dog owners have sued the city to return their dogs and plan to sue the new property owners as well. Mr. Castellano's consigliere, Paul “The Knife” Tieri, suggested in no uncertain terms that might not be a good idea.