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FDA Approves “Thanksgiving” Therapy

The Food and Drug Administration announced its approval for a new therapy to improve a patient's gratitude and thankfulness, the so-called “Thanksgiving” shot. Pharmaceutical firm Happy Drugs has poured billions of dollars into research which resulted in the therapy delivered in a single injection. It uses CRISPR to target and edit a specific variant of a gene, CD38, which is involved in production of neuropeptide oxytocin. The approval sent their stock price soaring gaining more than 37% on the news. In anticipation of the approval, Happy Drugs has been produced millions of doses that should arrive at pharmacies around the US within days. The President, using his authorization under the Make Thanksgiving Great Again Act, has already announced that the shot will be available for free. The CDC is considering including the Thanksgiving shot as part of its revised school vaccination requirements, sparking the usual outrage. The American Psychological Association announced its support for the therapy citing research outcomes showing significant increases in gratitude in even the most hopeless cases of narcissism, cynicism, materialism, and envy—the “thieves of thankfulness”. The Materialist Union held a press conference where they showed off the extra doses they had acquired for their members but failed to acknowledge those that provided the doses, the research that went into it, nor the pharmaceutical manufacturer.