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National Guard Deployed to Capture Escaped Turkeys

The North Carolina Army National Guard announced its deployment in recovery operations to save the state's commercial turkey industry and the Thanksgiving holiday. Governor Jim Wallace activated soldiers from the 252nd Armor Regiment, 120th Infantry Regiment, and the 130th Aviation Regiment to locate and capture turkeys that escaped from a large commercial facility. The turkey industry in North Carolina accounts for more than 1.2 billion birds each year. In an act of agro-terrorism, more than 37,000 birds escaped when a newly hired employee, suspected to be member of the Animal Liberation Front and a known vegan, intentionally opened the gates and then struggled to free the turkeys by chasing them around their pens, resulting in hours of security camera footage destined for the FailArmy channel on YouTube. All the escaped birds were doomed for the slaughterhouse the next day and then the Thanksgiving table. Adjutant General Mark Milnes expressed elation at the opportunity for the North Carolina Guard to demonstrate its value to the state during emergencies. Several soldiers were excited to use advanced weaponry and newly issued night-scopes to hunt down and capture enemy turkeys. The operation has been formally designated as “Operation Enduring Thanksgiving”, though many soldiers have referred to it as the “The Great Turkey Shoot”. Black Hawk helicopters have been seen circling over the wooded areas near the turkey facility. Tanks and armored personnel carriers are at the edge of the woods, and the troops are preparing for close-quarters battle. Anti-Thanksgiving and animal rights groups have protested outside the Guard's headquarters in Raleigh. Governor Wallis has insisted that the woods will be invaded soon to restore American Thanksgiving values.