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Pentagon Refuses to Acknowledge Defense Secretary's Abduction by Aliens

The Pentagon has been tight-lipped on the brief disappearance of the Secretary of Defense. Sources inside the Pentagon indicate that the Secretary's hospital stay was needed after the Secretary disappeared from his office for a period of four hours. A thorough search of the Pentagon and surveillance systems could not locate the Secretary. The Deputy Secretary of Defense placed the Pentagon at DEFCON 4 out an abundance of caution while the search continued. After missing multiple budget meetings, the Secretary was discovered in a locked room in the basement of the ā€œEā€ ring. He could not recall how he ended up in the basement or why he was naked. The Secretary was thankfully for missing those budget meetings though and was quickly taken to Walter Reed Army Medical Center and examined. The Secretary complained of unfamiliar voices in his head and the ability to see through walls. Doctors could find nothing from multiple MRIs, X-Rays, PET scans, lab tests, colonoscopies, prostate exams, and body cavity searches. The Secretary joked that the doctors examined him more thoroughly than the gray aliens did. Out of a further abundance of caution, the Secretary was placed in a padded room in the psychiatric wing and monitored continuously. The DoD press office concocted a prostate cancer story to explain his absence and placement in the hospital. The Pentagon Press Association criticized the lack of transparency as an outrage and vowed to ask even harder questions in the next press conference. The Secretary is back to work today, but the FBI is closely monitoring his movements.