News summaries from across the multiverse.

President Refuses Pardon for Turkeys

In a break from a White House holiday tradition, the President refused to pardon two turkeys today, instead sending them to their traditional fate—the Thanksgiving Day dinner table. The normally awkward National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation ceremony in which two live turkeys are presented by a national turkey trade association to the most powerful man in the world who then issues a constitutionally defined pardon became even more awkward when the President refused to pardon the turkeys. Instead, the President used the opportunity to decry the many issues farmers face, the lack of support in Congress for his additions to the Farm Bill, and his policy positions on stuffing cooked inside the turkey. He then stomped off the stage, leaving the Vice President to wrap up the ceremony with a toast to the turkeys and a Thanksgiving prayer. In a hastily assembled press conference later, Press Secretary Linda Aims told the media that the President had thoroughly reviewed the application for pardon filed by the National Turkey Federation and the recommendation made by the Office of the Pardon Attorney. However, the President decided that the two turkeys (“Mitzy” and “Jimbo”) will not receive a pardon and that the execution of sentence should be completed in time for Thursday's scheduled Thanksgiving Day dinner. The National Turkey Federation and Amnesty International scrambled to file appeals with the Supreme Court. The White House Executive Chef immediately starting adjusting Thanksgiving dinner plans.