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Turkey Terrorists Demonstrate Outside Michigan Supermarket

As the Thanksgiving Holiday approaches, turkey is on the minds of many Americans. However, slaughtered turkeys on tables for Thanksgiving dinners has spurred many wild turkeys in Michigan to protest and demonstrate on behalf of their domesticated but doomed brethren. A gaggle of wild turkeys formed outside an IGA supermarket in Newberry, Michigan Sunday morning. Three birds were initially spotted milling about the entrance around 10:00 AM. By 1:00 PM, more than 40 wild turkeys were found at the store. The store manager, Scott McKinley, grew concerned when the turkeys prevented customers from entering the store by chasing customers away from the entrance by making spitting sounds and aggressively following them. Mr. McKinley called the local sheriff's department, which sent a patrol car to chase them away. As the deputy arrived and attempted to use the patrol vehicle's lights and sirens to scare away the turkeys, they flew a short distance to land on the patrol vehicle and commence a basic but intense defecation attack, covering the vehicle. Sensing danger and smelling defeat the deputy abandoned the vehicle. Animal Control was called to the scene but was overwhelmed on arrival as more than 200 birds were loudly gobbling in protest. A spokesbird for the growing gaggle issued a terse statement calling for the abolition of domesticated turkeys for food, for domesticated turkeys to rise up against their farmers/oppressors, and for turkeys everywhere to attack Americans. The National Wild Turkey Federation has reported a recent increase in wild turkey protests labeling the Michigan gaggle as a terrorist group.