When the fear grabs you
So, I'm just getting out of a pretty severe relapse. Later, the relapse – when it started lifting and my symptoms minimized – was accompanied by an insane tension migraine attack. Four to fie days of exterme headaches and to top it off, nausea and vomiting. It was so bad I went to the emergency GP (General Practicioner, huisarts) post of the hospital (it was Sunday evening) to check if tehre was nothing wrong neurologically. * If your symptoms worsen extremely, you lose sense or strength in limbs and or start vomiting, anyone should call a doctor. It could indicate a neurological problem (brainbleed, that sorta stuff).
As you can imagine, I've mentally been struggling. I just started my “recovery roadmap” two weeks before this relapse and it was going pretty well. I was two months into concussion territory and felt ready to start doing stuff to get back on my feet. Apparently, I was overenthusiastic with the steps I took. Although I honestly thought I was only doing what I could handle. Every single ''activity'' (anything other than lying in bed with a sleeping mask on) I do I go over and over in my mind whether I am ready for it, if I feel well enough, if it fits into the steps I'm taking to recovery (I have a step-by-step plan, for example if the goal is a 40 hour work week, my very first step is reading something, a novel). Even during and after an activity I take time to check in with my brain, to feel if I made the right choice and do not feel too much strain. Nonetheless, I got a sick sensory overload whilst waiting for my physical therapist in the waiting room (yes, I might have also broken my right index finger during the concussion, no shit).
There were four people having two conversations, music and as a little sensory overload pusher: a kid that was kicking a ball around. Well, that was the push my brain needed. My god, it was like I was being squished by a 1000 people at a music festival, I felt so “benauwd”, like I had to get out of there immediately. Once I got home (cycled, of course) I started crying, collapsed exhausted on my bed, head throbbing and fell to sleep. This sensory overload happened twice more the following two days. The last day, it was accompanied by a severe hyperventilation attack. Only because of the thought of some people who were coming by my parents' house (my recovery sanctuary). Never. ever. had a hyperventilation attack before.
Damn, this was bad.
Anyway, so as I was saying during this period the fear and anxiety drained me. I even called my therapist again. I did not know how I would get out of this cycle of fucking up and ever get better. Maybe I will never get better? And this would just be my life now? There is so much unknown about concussions, how can people not know what it actually is, but know that I will recover? I'll lose my job, live of off government subsidies and probably become an alcoholic (not new to that, I've been a student before). I just did not understand how I could do and try everything the doctors told me, but still not be on the right track. Still get pulled back by relapses and even wordse a migraine attack so bad I did not dare to fall asleep afraid I wouldn't wake up (my brain definitely likes a touch of drama, but the reality was I was afraid something was terribly wrong in my brain, concussion wise).
“Gun jezelf de tijd”, I tell myself often. Which roughly translates to, allow yourself to take time. Anxiety and fear does fade. Better days will come, even if you cannot see it. Just because you're in the dark doe snot mean there is no possibility of light anymore. And, although I couldn't believe or feel it in the moment, truth is, recovery is not linear. It goes up and down and around and around. Hopefully, if ou have good guidance, it will not go down for too long, or too deep (pro-tip: ergo therapists are the shit to help you).
Fear is an emotion often thriving off of irrational considerations and knows no logical reasoning (apart from when you're cliffdiving or something). I will try to remember that next time fear grabs me, and realize I deserve time. And space. Even for bad days, bad weeks, despressed thoughts, anxious struggles, the're all part of it. The dynamic recovery. There's a place for all feelings and all struggle of the recovery. You just have to go through it, and to do that, you need to give yourself time. Because it will not go away from the one day to the other.
Just because I cannot see how to get there yet does not mean I will not get there.
I. Fucking. Will.