You know what broke me today ? That I had to teach my daughter a lesson for being so disrespectful lately. I went for a bike ride with J and not her. That’s our thing so she lost her shit. She was so heartbroken because she felt like I’d abandoned her but I had to teach her that she has to love me and respect me the way I do for her. I’m her dad but also her friend and I demand respect too. She also hurts my feelings. She’s my entire world, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my babygirl but I had to pull back. She literally went hysterical. I left with J and my heart sank because she wasn’t with me smiling. Just happy because nothing makes me smile more than to see my kids smile. Driving back literally cut me deep thinking of my baby girl was home heartbroken. I told my J lets go back and get E. This was after 15 mins. J was so excited and said yes. We rushed as fast we could get home and got away from the hideous heat. When I got there I told M I was going to take her, after seeing her sad face looking at me, broke me. I told her we came back for her but I had to talk to her. I sat her on the stairs and she first refused. She was hurt, I’ve left her, I’ve abandoned her just like her mom did, like her foster family and then the temporary foster mom. I broke a promise and the pain that was in her as M was literally pulling her away from me, was like she had put a bullet in my head. It killed me because, she’s my freaking partner, she’s my diva, my bipolar daughter, attitude of a 14 yrs old , the most loyal, most Timid but fucking brilliant. It pains me that I’ve only discovered how fucking brilliant and amazing she is just a few months back. Long story short we fostered 2 kids before E and that we lost to good parents so we are happy for that. They are where they belong but they will always be with us too. They will always be the void of our hearts. I was hurt so bad. I don’t trust nor love easy. If I love you I will always love you. When I’m hurt I break not in pieces but into dust. It’s almost impossible to put me back together. When E came to us I was mourning 2 others. I couldn’t fall in love again when my Heart was angry and confused. Like how did it happened. We did resented the system and bio parents for a while, because when hurt you blame the obvious and most logical explanation for you at the moment. I couldn’t really fall in love with her. I loved her but I wasn’t in love with her as a parent in the most purest type of love, because that’s how God or whoever your god is, sees us. I had to go through the valley of death to truly love my kids. Then we got my beautiful angel M a year Later. I saw her in an incubator just like when I was a new born too. She took everything and more. Holy shit did I fall in love with my baby. She gave me something I wanted. I wanted to experience what was to take your child home from a hospital. There’s something magical about it and I wanted in. You may want to talk shit and say oh well fucking Frankie is the mom. Fuck yeah I’m the mom, I’m the dad, I’m bro, bruh , I’m the I hate you ,the not fair, the you are stupid, I love you daddy , you are the best , you broke a promise, the protector, the teacher, the leader and holy shit, everything. I’m everything to her. Literally everything. holy fuck when you see it like this, Fuck fuck fuck. I can’t be everything for her, I’m a fucking piece of shit. I’m not even an ounce of everything, so how could my Beautiful talented E think I am everything for her?. Because she does, she trust me 100 percent. I have slowly started to earned her true love and respect. Her love and respect for me is literally comparing my love for God. They mean as much. They are just the same scale weight. They complete me entirely. It took me 3 yrs to really heal my heart. Only God, M and my best friends J and D knows. My love for God and my 3 kids was how I was able to pulled through. Nothing else. Maybe mom ❤️. She’s fucking everything. No bro like she’s fucking fucking fucking amazing. I’m nothing but honored to be her son. It’s a true privilege to be loved by that woman. I came out of a fucking spell. No joke , don’t Believe me? Ask M. When I was able to truly look up at God and look at his directly just as I was. A total piece of shit then mercy and clearly was given I was able to cut that bandage off my eyes. I saw I’ve forgotten of 3 angels given to me. Just for me. 3 beings that they think I’m like the coolest person ever. Like fuck, I don’t even think I’m cool. I’m an idiot. When I truly was able to see my kids with clarity and without depression, anger, resentment, pain but with them just being them. They don’t even have to try to be cute because fuck fuck they are heroin to my veins. They are seriously the only reason I keep going. Those little fuckers have some fucking voodo on me and I’m here for it. I just can’t ever live without my kids. It’s just plain and simple. No theory or analogy behind it. I just can’t live without them. It just fucking makes sense in my brain. It makes my dopamine rush with love , commitment, understanding. such fucking cute fucked shit you see with tiny humans . I’ve asked myself why do we love kids so fucking much?. Like why? They are hard work , assholes, ungrateful, mean, expensive, and the list fucking goes on and on. But I’ve asked why are we so fucking fascinated with tiny psychopaths? Like why? because they fucking psychopaths plain and simple with love here and there. It’s amazing to see a tiny humans lose their shit just like adults do but the difference is that little kids don’t give a flying fuck about what others think or do. They will fucking lose their shit in front of Obama. It don’t fucking matter if you are at the coronation of the queen or literally you are about to die. They will lose their entire shit on you. They are also fearless and have fucking the most brilliant imagination. They are always ready for fun and happiness. They are sincere and brutal at the same time. They will love you like no one else but resent you like nothing else. You will break them and scar them like nothing else but if you ask God for wisdom He might just guide you how to deal with little chuckies like mine and fall truly and unconditionally in love with them. I sat with E one of those nights I had a bit too much wine and we had a heart to heart. That moment listening to her and how she’s literally pulling receipts on me. I don’t even know how we got here. She’s that brilliant that she probably taught “this wino is feeling good, let me see if he breaks”. Her freaking amazing mind got us in the conversation about me apologizing to her for neglecting her. Not physically or financially but emotionally. I was so blinded by hatred and pain that I just couldn’t see her. She’s a freaking handful. I’ve had a teenager since I met her. Her attitude is flat out “I dont give a flying fuck what you think”. She scares me because she’s so determined, loyal, stubborn and emotional as fuck with the attitude of a dictatorship. She will fucking demand what’s right for her. If she’s not a lawyer or politician I’m gonna be pissed. I want others to experience her wrath too lol . She’s fucking beautiful crazy and brilliant at the same time. That night I truly saw her. Ive always been afraid she would be wild and out of control, but what I found that night was something I’ve never seen before. Something that gave my life, color. Only those who’ve seen my tattoo will get it. In that moment I felt shame, a total fucking complete piece of shit. I was nothing but a fucking dirt bag who deserved to eat a billion bags of vaginas. Get it? If you don’t then you aren’t my friend. ❤️. I’ve realized how much I had neglected my daughter emotionally. I feel like I lost an entire lifetime of hers even though it was 5 yrs. All I saw was mean , destructive , disrespectful in her and how she would turn out as a teen. I only saw the bad things in her because I was so angry with losing J , B and M. I just couldn’t see her. My eyes had been turned into dust. I had no sight for anything and anyone. I was hollow. When finally I saw her I was fucking blown away. Like who is this child? Did they placed a different kid that wasn’t my E. There she was, her always all along. She’s always being brilliant , freaking smart, loyal and competitive. Fuck, I envy her, she’s everything I wish I was when I was a little kid. Seeing her and telling me and fucking pulling receipts on me on exactly how many times I’ve broken a promise. She had dates and times bro, like she fucking can hold a grudge and it fucking scares me because all I want is to make her proud. Hurting her is like cutting a limb off me, might as well just let God consume me. I was finally able to truly fall in love with her. She’s my daughter, she’s my chaos , my frustration, my friend , my bro and bruh. She’s mine and I’m just so fucking happy for it. I’m so honored you picked me E W P. We sat down after all the bike drama and I told her “do you understand why I did what I did “ and she just replied with an attitude “you left me” “biking is our thing” I looked at her beautiful eyes with a smile and told her “you know I’ll never leave you” “I had to teach you a lesson, you have been so mean and disrespectful and not listening to everyone including me “ I said “I don’t treat you like that , yeah I lose my shit on you sometimes but is because you pull all my buttons at once , but I try to respect you. I told her that it broke me not to take her. I told her that I love her and that I want her to be more respectful. We hugged and went for a fucking bike ride. I will do anything for my kids. They are me, so I just can’t live without them. I love my 6 babies. B J E M J A.