Root to Rise
This end of the year seems very haunted. Walking around the city, I feel like I’m traveling through a cloud. It’s almost as if memories of things that have gone, things that I’m living, and dreams I once had are echos in the silence. It’s almost like a map or a puzzle of different steps, different choices, different lessons, different tests. How I’ve navigated things in the past and how I navigate things now. And why.
There are a lot of things that I wish I hadn’t experienced in my life. They were incredibly difficult, and I didn’t know if I would make it. There were a lot of times in my life that I’ve had to make some really difficult choices, and even though I’ve had other people sharing their experiences or giving me their advice, ultimately I had to make the choice that was for me. Sometimes, I handled those choices with grace. More often I went through them kicking, screaming and crying.
It’s difficult to trust yourself no matter how many times you make the right choice.
At least when you’re me. I feel like a lot of you feel the same.
I made the hard choices and learned ultimately, I always have to choose me. That’s not selfish. It is often impossible to find a way to do this and harm none. Including myself. But I try. At times there was no avoiding the hurt. Other times I’ve had to learn, there are people who are not worth protecting.
There were choices that I had to make this year to let go of a life that did not belong to me. No matter how tidy I wanted things to fit into little boxes and how much I wanted to believe that there is good in people, that is not always true. Some people are well beyond redemption. This has been, and continues to be, one of my hardest lessons.
I don’t want to feel like a martyr. I don’t want to feel like Job in the desert. But I will tell you that there are times that I do. I feel like with every gift that I have gained in life, there’s been a great sacrifice. There are a lot easier ways that I could’ve lived my life. I just don’t think I was born to live them. I’ve always struggled with the idea of a calling. I’ve never felt like there’s one thing that I’m supposed to do. Until I started to understand that my calling was actually just a way of existence. Finding ways to connect in the world that make it a better place. Sometimes that has meant being in some difficult places, learning some difficult lessons, and coming out the other side ready to lend a helping hand to others with the same struggles.
In yoga, I’ve heard the phrase “root to rise.” It’s always struck a nerve with me. And I feel like it’s the phrase that best describes this year. There were times I felt safe. That I grounded myself in places I realize now drained me. Or caged me. Hid me from the world. I had to find my own land. I had to find my own nourishment.
I thrive on sunlight, water, and love. In the last part of this year, I found this and so much more. I found people who have brought such brightness to my life. I have found people who have helped me find my flow. And I am so constantly surrounded by love no matter where I go. I only have to look for it.
Which leads me to another lesson that I’ve learned. Can you find what you are look for? If you spend your days revisiting ghosts of the past, instead of learning from them and moving forward, you’ll never find the joy that’s meant for you. You have to just let things go without forgetting. I think it’s ok sometimes to compare where you are now with where you were, so you understand how far you’ve come. Those moments can help you be forgiving if you feel like you haven’t gone far enough. It’s also helpful sometimes to go into the past and show other people that it’s possible to go forward. But they’re going to have to find their own way.
I’ve learned to give my energy, my love, and my time to things and people that bring me joy. We weren’t sent here to suffer. Suffering exists, whether we like it or not or no matter what we do to avoid it. There will always be people who are just bad people. But beyond them, there are infinitely wonderful, beautiful people in this world. Some of the them just don’t know how beautiful they are.
There were times this year that I felt that I was flying without a net. Bad times. Good times. I did things I never thought I could do. I felt like I couldn’t even see the ground. And it was scary. Truthfully. I had to have a lot of faith. Mostly in myself. I wish I had learned in life to trust myself sooner but I don’t think many of us come to that naturally. I think we live in a world that teaches us not to trust our own senses or experiences. I can appreciate the fact that I can finally say, most days, that I do indeed trust myself. Knowing that I am ready to catch myself when I fall. And when I don’t have the strength, I have people around me that love me dearly that will always be there. I’ve learned to ask for help on those days and trust that I know when I need help.
I’ve made a lot of new friends this year. I’ve had a lot of amazing experiences this year. More than anything, I learned that I am worthy of the love and greatness that has come into my life. There are two types of people in this world. Those who dig in, and refuse to grow. And those who are eternally, striving and teaching. Those who “root to rise.” When you learn to listen, you’ll know the difference.
I hope that 2023 brings us peace and comfort. I know that if I’ve learned anything, no matter what is happening, I can find joy somewhere, laughter somewhere, love somewhere, even in the chaos and heartache.
Opening your heart is risky. So many people close themselves up when they’ve been hurt. I’d rather be hurt a million times then ever lose out on the opportunity to let others in. Fall apart. Be kind to yourself. Let hope in again.
I hope you enter 2023 quietly, softly, warmly. Never harden your heart. Find your land, your sunshine, your water, your loving space and root to rise.
-Cameron