I Stayed

We weren’t supposed to last.

It should have been a one-night stand.

It was a relationship built on dishonesty.

But I stayed.

Throughout.

Lies.

July 2013

We met.

I’m not sure what you fell in love with, in me.

A version of me not necessarily all of me.

Lustful excitement?

Probably.

I fell in love with who you told me you were.

But that person had disappeared a year previously.

I didn’t know that at the time.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t have.

Stayed.

August 2013

You confessed your past.

However.

You withheld very important pieces of information.

Details that would have probably

Led me to take a very different path.

Important specifics that would have

Shown me exactly what type of person you were.

I would have walked away then.

You robbed me of that opportunity.

Obtuse.

Instead, you made yourself out to be a victim.

A VICTIM.

When clearly you were not.

Naturally, I jumped in to save you.

Stood by you.

I was your rock.

This was deceit #1.

And oh boy is it a big one.

I stayed.

Unaware.

So our whirlwind romance continued.

While I was unaware of truths you withheld.

During that first year, you broke me down.

Then built me back into the person you wanted me to be.

Just like every single boyfriend had done in the past.

You picked apart at the parts of me you didn’t approve of.

Then filled it with you.

And I let it happen.

I am an amalgamation.

I am malleable.

I stayed.

Weak.

February 2014 A sentence was issued

I held your hand while your life changed.

Our life.

I stayed.

Loyal.

July of 2014, everything came crashing down.

One night in July you never came home.

You had been in jail.

For soliciting a prostitute.

Streetwalker.

Hooker.

I stayed.

Naive.

Deceit #2

You confessed to having “urges”

Turns out looking for prostitutes was a regular thing.

Turns out going to adult bookstores was a regular thing.

Turns out going to massage parlors was a regular thing.

Turns out sexual excitement was an urge.

You were a sexual deviant.

You had cheated on me.

You had lied to me.

I was hurt.

I stayed.

Love.

You were gone.

For almost 4 months.

I sent you books.

I sent you money.

I sent you food.

I called you.

I wrote you.

I was alone.

I stayed.

Devotion.

While you were gone I was let go from my job.

I had to move out of our apartment.

Our home.

I had to find a new home.

One in which they wouldn’t do extensive checks.

Since you would be living with me.

I searched for a new home for us.

Alone.

I moved.

Alone.

I stayed.

Alone.

December 2014 You came home

We were different.

You were different.

I was different.

You had lied.

I was hurt.

I stayed.

Discovery.

Why wasn’t I enough to keep you satisfied?

What was wrong with me?

If sexual excitement is what you need.

I can find a way.

To be more.

I stayed.

Self-conscious.

January 14, 2015

We married.

In secret.

I wanted to be enough.

I wanted to keep you.

I wanted to fix you.

I wanted to be loved.

By you.

I stayed.

Hurt.

May 2015

You finally confessed.

Nonchalantly.

The truth.

I stayed.

Deceived.

I should have walked away again.

In an attempt to keep you from straying.

I found ways for us to be deviant together.

We discovered a whole new sexy world.

A world where sexuality was welcomed.

Accepted.

Swingers.

I stayed.

Faithful.

I did everything I could to improve our lives.

Romantically.

Financially.

Lovingly.

I stayed.

Blindly.

May 2016

Miscarriage.

Devastation.

Sadness.

Tears.

August 2016

I buy us a house.

After much struggle.

I make it happen.

I try so hard.

A home.

Our home.

I fought.

Proud.

October 2016

Our wedding.

For my family.

For our friends.

For the world.

Said I do.

Happy.

2017

We immerse ourselves in the swinger world.

Initiated by my fear of losing you.

A way to keep you faithful.

It was complicated.

So many fights.

After a while.

Whatever.

I gave in.

I stayed.

Afraid.

2018

A dream come true.

Pregnancy at last.

You strayed.

Bookstores.

Again.

I stayed.

Betrayed.

September 2018

A baby is born.

My baby.

I am alone.

He is mine.

I stayed.

Fulfilled.

2019

My son is my world.

He fills everything.

Motherhood.

Perfection.

I realize.

True.

Love.

We cross lines.

I feel pressured.

To keep you happy.

I don’t want to.

But I do.

I stayed.

Coward.

2020

Covid happens.

So much time together.

Together we nitpick at each other.

You pick me apart.

Constantly.

My past.

Decisions.

Ambitions.

Me.

I stayed.

Despair.

2021

I don’t think I can stay any longer.

I’ve endured too much.

I’ve hurt for too long.

I’ve so often put you first

Your feelings ahead

Of my discomfort.

And still, you pick.

And pick.

At me.

Still.

I stay.

Comfort.