How to explain this to the kid
I've been struggling with this one. He's 11. Asks a lot of questions. Things have been superficially amicable, so it's hard to explain something that just doesn't have any explanation.
He can't point to fights (I gave up a long time ago on 95%+ of the fights I would have started had I thought there'd be any point). He can't point to behavior. At least not too much. Although he's seen instances where his dad has lied, they've been tame and mostly about trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do. And, it's possible, as an adult, he'll be able to think back to before this and realize I was not super-affectionate with his dad.
I don't want to tell him straight out: your dad and I had different requirements for marriage. His requirement: accept that he lies and lies about lying. And, will therefore choose to do whatever he wants. Was he abusive? No. Was he cheating? No clue. Was he the one to decide the rules of the relationship? I'm starting to realize, yes. I let him off the hook every time I said “no more lies.” I couldn't change him or demand he tell the truth (because he obviously didn't). But I could have left. That's all on me.
For me, my rules for marriage required one core thing: him not lying to me. And I let that slide for too long. Even the pet peeves I listed were not deal-breakers. They were annoying as hell (or I wouldn't have made an actual list), but even with all of them, I wrote them off as part of marriage. Taking the good and the bad. But I finally admitted that the lying was affecting my behavior. And we certainly didn't have a healthy relationship. The lying meant I didn't trust him. And I didn't respect him. And that meant all this was pretend. And I'm sure it was evident in my behavior.
So, yeah... how do you tell your kid that you finally respected yourself enough to get out of a relationship with someone who didn't respect you, or your basic expectation of honesty in a relationship? I guess I mean, how do you do that without hurting your kid? Without telling him that you compromised for years when you shouldn't have? Without saying that his dad is someone I don't respect? That I can't trust him. And I don't know if others can. Because I don't know if he lies as deeply or easily to others. I don't mean exaggerations or harmless white lies (e.g., “I really like that xyz thing you made!“). And does he gaslight them if he does? Does he lie about lying? Does he deny things that are true? Does he deflect and blame others or circumstances instead of accept responsibility for his behavior and choices? I don't know. I've watched him do some things pretty close with his sisters. Sometimes I think it's a crappy attempt to try to bring them together. And I see them doing similar things. Trying to manipulate each other. Report back to a different one about who said what or did what. So, maybe that's part of it. It's all about trying to get what you want — and being willing to lie to achieve it. He wanted to do what he wanted to do. And he didn't want a discussion. Didn't want an argument. So, his logic stated: just lie. He felt he was justified. And he doubled-down and lied about lying.
So, yeah... how do you explain to your kid that this was no longer acceptable in your life? You can't. Not without breaking the bubble of illusion that your dad is a great guy. And, generally, he's pretty good with the kid and a decent father. Though, I did have to tell him he's no longer allowed to shout at the kid for lying. Lying is something I'm done with. But adding hypocrisy on top of it? Nope. He can tell him the perils and consequences of lying. But if he attempts to be self-righteous about it and punish the kid as though he has any right to pass judgement on a kid who might be telling white-lies (as all kids do, and yes, the kid needs to be told that it's not ok)... I just told him I'm not having it and I'll call him on it if he does.
The closest I've gotten is repeatedly explaining about lying and how it's not ok. And reminding him of the boy who cried wolf — and that no one believed him anymore, after he repeatedly lied. It's simplistic, but there's a reason that story continues to be taught to kids. And we've had conversations about why I jump to conclusions. About why I shouldn't, and that I'm trying to change that, but it's based on things he's done in the past. And it hard for me to think something has changed after seeing the old behavior repeated so many times.
I hope, as he gets older he pieces this together. But until then, I get asked a couple times a week about why we're splitting. And that he “deserves” to know. I have no clue what the ex is telling him, but I told him that if I get a whiff of him blaming me, I have the evidence. This isn't me thinking he's lied. He and I both know it and he's admitted it. Even though he tries to play the victim when he thinks I don't know. Jesus. I feel like I'm talking about a child.