The past few years
So, we bought another house. Can I say the lying I abhorred and told myself I wouldn't tolerate anymore ended? Nope. I won't lie. There were more lies. And the usual deflect and minimize response. There were suspected lies I didn't even address.
And the most disappointing thing in the past few years (besides the lies)? I had never spent any nights away from my kid (except a night or two his grandparents watched him for us). Not for a work trip or a fun trip. He had spent about 2 months (often in 5+ day increments) away — for work (though, he often lobbied to go on the trips) and pleasure. And always treated it as his “right.” But when I heard my former boss had died and I flew head back to attend a service for him and visit a few friends, I couldn't even be away 4-5 days without constant contact. From 2300 miles away, at midnight, I was asked to diagnose a tick issue and determine if he should drive to the ER in the middle of the night, with the kid, to deal with it. Then, in the middle of the service (that I'd told him the time of), he tried to call (and then left a message). He'd never really had to take care of our kid for more than a bit by himself, so I'd kept the phone on for an “in case of emergency” scenario. There was no emergency. I'd obviously enabled this kind of behavior in our time together. I get that I contributed to it. But I just couldn't believe how insensitive he was about every aspect of the trip.
And still, I stayed. Financially, separating is a huge blow. We don't live in a place where it's easy to live on one salary. And we'd made financial choices that weren't the best. I kept making excuses. As friends, we do ok. But every time he made some comment about us being soulmates or something equally as fluffy and ridiculous, I just kept wondering if he really was in this much denial. Was he trying to sell me on it? Convince me that our relationship was something it wasn't? I pride myself on keeping the bullshit to a minimum. I don't want to intentionally mislead someone. And for years, I felt that I had been — by not voicing my frustration, or saying simply “I'm done with your lying.” And I didn't want to be touched. Because every touch had me asking if there was some ulterior motive. Was he buttering me up to try to slip another lie past me? Maybe he only lied to me 2% of the time. Or maybe 50%. But it doesn't matter. The fact that he did it at all made me always jump to that conclusion. That's no way to be married.